A few quick things

Watching The Notebook with a friend


A few observations:

1- After seeing Ryan Gosling's beard........ I am re thinking my views on guys with facial hair.


2- This is a freakin good movie.

3- I hope I never choose wealth or comfort in the place of true, heart wrenching love.

4- ZOMG I forgot they died together. *cries a bit*

Aunt #1 Sent me an email. Will comment later as I am at home for the week.

Cousins are here a day early with more arriving tomorrow. It's crazy and getting crazier!

Happy Turkey Day!
~`E

ATTN: J. KNUDSEN! please email armsthathug@gmail.com if you are reading this!!!!!!

ZOMFG!

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Interesting past few days I've had. I guess I'll cover the heading first.

Just a few minutes ago I was looking at my personal blog that everyone (family and friends) can see and more people know about. I saw that a cousin of mine- J.K. (initials not "just kidding") had made a comment. I then checked up on her blog and made a comment. After I posted it I noticed, to my horror, I forgot to sign out of this account. I had posted as "gay me" rather that "regular me" *&%$###%**^$^*()&$# YEAH.......
I just concluded with no avail a frantic search for her email address. I guess she deleted her facebook so I just left an UBER sketchy message below the comment that I had deleted. Though no one can see the one I deleted she'll still get an email about it and might check out meh blog.
Oh well, I don't think she's the kind to blab and even if she did I think I would get an email from her wondering "what's up."

On a similar note, I came out to one of my aunts last night. I know, right? She just set up a facebook account and had sent me a "hi how are ya" message. She thought for a second that I was getting confirmed in the Episcopal church, when actually it was Iron and Wine's confirmation.
She wrote: " I was thinking, 'is this the year he drops da bomb on the family at Christmas?'"
I replied that I had a "bomb to drop" but would wait until the spring :)

That lead to a follow up message and then a facebook chat in which I told her I was gay.
"wow" was her response. She is the first "adult" that I have told and also the first non-cousin-family member I've told. The conversation really didn't go anywhere to deep, it being a facebook chat and my slow typing skills prevented that. We finished the conversation with her in a minor state of shock and me with my hands shaking. I sent her some links and writings I had done so she could possibly better grasp where I am and how I got here. And yes I sent her a link to this blog, so she might be reading this..........................."Hey" :)

On a lighter note Adam called last night. (For those of you like my cousin, Adam is not his real name......) Honestly I thought he called for a specific reason. But Not not really. Well that's not entirely true. He started off telling me about class and school and how we should make a documentary about how school is actually the devil. He told me about a date he recently had Srlsy? She likes him, and well predictably Adam did not feel the same way. One might ask "because he's gay right?"That's what I was still wondering. I asked and he reiterated that "I still go back and forth." After that initial part was over, we spent the next two and a half hours talking about- well nothing really. It was kinda nice to be honest. Neither of us tried to end the conversation even after a few lengthy pauses. Maybe we were just bored, either way I enjoyed talking with him.

I guess I'll finish up talking about turkey day. It is at "my" house this year and after talking with my mom earlier today there are going to be TWENTY THREE of us there. I could not be more excited. Including my dad's parents, some relatives from IL and my brother's girlfriend. He is two years younger and honestly......she might not be out of high school yet. Oh and also my cousin (who I've talked about) Darla will be there (a funny nic name, not for realz) I can't wait.

~`E

Weekend happenings

Warning: Subject matter, verb tense, and clarity could change at any moment.

I'll begin with Friday night. As mentioned in a previous post I met up with J in Auburn on Friday and accompanied her to a "ho-down." Corny - I know - but I ended up having a pretty good time. There were hay bails, cowboys [not the rugged, chap wearing ones :(] and a camp stew type dinner that wasn't all that bad. The highlight of the evening came when we all paired up for square dancing. With J by my side I began to wade through the oh-so awkward waters. There was a caller *swing yer partner round and round* who sang to old records that barked at us through '70s era speakers. I was reminded as we swapped partners and whorred outselves around the dance floor how little I had to say to the ladies that I danced with. Just an observation really, only to say that I spent more time eying the boys than exchanging "hi how are ya's" with the girls. Because after all, hooking up with a random stranger was the goal of the evening.....wasn't it?

There was one small highlight during the evening. I had excused myslelf from the endless fun of the dance floor and was sitting with some acquantinces, talking about nothing. I noticed a guy (who's seat I had taken) comming my way presumably to gather his belongings. ( Which turned out to be awater bottle.....really he came over to get a bottle???) I raised my knees and put my feet in the chair so he coul reach his things. He leaned over and excused himself- "I think this one is mine?" As he stood upright (me still staring at him) he flashed a killer smile at me and I almost fell off my seat. He was tall wearing jeans and a white and blue striped long sleved dress shirt. His hair was red and as noted was sporting a great set of pearly whites.

So on the cuteness front, the night wasn't a total loss :)
After the ho down, a hookah bar and some tasty chicken fingers (HA!) I said bye to J and left for home.

Saturday began with a late brunch. I purposefully got to the caf. shortly before it closed because honestly I felt and looked like junk after having gotten in at 4am. from an almost 2 hour drive. BLEH! So expecting no one I knew to be there, who did I see upon entering but Hugs and his girlfriend. I gave them a passing smile as I made a beeline for nurishment. (kind of a joke given the selection of food that Sodexho provides) I sat far from the lovely couple, who were finishing up their food. I looked up from my plate a few minutes later to see him heading my way, presumably to say 'hi how are ya' before they left. But no. What does he do? As I stick my hand out to shake his he leans over and wraps me in a "i'm standing you're still sitting" type hug.

SRLSY?!

I mean I'm not complaining in the least but on some levels it's torture. I reached around and gave him a half embrace and after a few seconds and a coy smile he parted. Again I say SERIOUSLY PEOPLE! Does he read this blog?......... I guess my main 'problem' is that he's not anywhere near gay and he's dating a girl as proof. My newly akwnoleged hormones just can't handle this tease. It's like I'm a high school teen who just discovered the opposite sex (or same, in my case) and doesn't know what to do with himself. And every time he makes a joking advance or puts his arms around me I am reminded of all that is pent up with in me and the fact that he is un-dateable. Garrrr.........................

Sunday was fairly uneventful. I haven't felt like church in a while and this Sunday was no different. After lunch I got things together for a 2:45 call time before my choral concert. It was our combined fall show and things went fairly well. There is something about good choral music that makes one feel that all is right with the world.

Before dinner I got a phone call from a friend I knew during high school. "Adam" and I hadn't talked much and given the fact that after we graduated he stayed in town, I haven't seen him but on a few weekends when I have been home. He had heard from a friend (wouldn't say who >:( that I was gay or as he put it "Our situations are similar" Frankly I wasn't surprised. From the stereotypical things like his mannerisms and voice - to knowing that he set off people's gaydar quite often I had always thought he played for the "other team."(Of which I am a member- however still awaiting my membership card, lol) We exchanged small talk and then after a while dove into the subject matter.

He noted that he had good and bad days and went back and forth. I'm not sure if he meant from good to bad/ gay to straight or what. For most of the conversation he could have been reading from my journal or conversations I'd had with friends. He's in difficult place, one that I have recently been through. After talking for a while I tried to give him snippets of advice.

"The main thing I would say is that dealing with it (sexuality) now rather than later is the
best option. In the long run your feelings and what you know
to be true will surface and at that time it might have morphed into something
that you won't be able to control."

He noted the sense of relief he felt when he was honest with a few people. He said that it felt good and "I can be myself around them." While I'm not sure what 'being honest' with people means I took it to mean he has come out to them as gay. Honestly I'm not sure if he would categorize himself at the moment. He is aware of his attraction to men. Also he has dated girls in the past, mainly to deal with an attraction to guys that he didn't want to address. But from talking to him last night and the honesty he spoke with.........I have a new gay friend. Whether he will choose to be true to himself, regardless of the family or career implications, is not for me to say or decide.

When I first spoke with Iron and Wine about the turmoil I was going through at the time, she didn't nudge me one way or the other. She has always thought/known I was gay but noted that it wasn't her place to try and out me or harass me about what she thought. She was just a friend. I tried and will continue to be a friend to Adam because that's what I have needed and I'm pretty sure what he needs too. We ended the conversation with some lingering, "yeah......." and "well........" and finally said good night.

I enjoyed talking with him mainly because he's another guy. The other friends I have come out to and talked with are all females. Don't get me wrong, they have been a great help but when the conversation moves to the feelings side...........they just can't relate and apathy only goes so far. Being able to speak with someone and have them say "me too" or "I don't get boobs either!" has been great. Finally I was able to speak with a real live person who gets me.....at least the gay part of me :)

Well that's all for now.

Much love,
~`E

Prop 8- and all that jazz...........

This video has been posted on may other blogs, facebook pages etc. I am posting it here for me and for what I believe. Regardless of sexuality my firm belief is that government should have a laissez-faire approach to any kind of 'moral' legislation. Things like prob 8 (or the related propositions and ballot measures in arizona, arkansas and florida) hardly qualify for equal protection under the law as per the constitution.

I once found Olberman to be a "crazy liberal", however since my political liberation most of what he has to say is far from crazy - even if it is a bit liberal.
Open your heart, and have a listen.


~`E

I have the best friends, yep

Since my first revelation and latest progress I have personally come out to four people. I say 'out' because at the time I first spoke with most of them I was still somewhat unsure about my present gayness. (Is that proper to say?) Also. thought I have told four I am aware of human nature and the need to 'share' be it for venting or just letting someone know so "you can pray for them" as good southerners usually do :) The actual number being in the range of eight to fourteen. I added the fourth to the list while on my latest trip to Auburn on Wednesday.

Her name............J, well that's part of her name :)
I had made the trip into town with Eve but after a while met up with J at the library. While she closed the word doc. she was working on, I noticed her facebook was opened to I&W's page. J commented about a recent note I&W had written saying "did you see the note she had with like 50 comments?" Of course I had. The note was one about a 'friend'(me) that I&W had and his homosexuality- also her views on the subject. I totally ignored her question and just said "yeah she does write allot......." We left the library and for lack of a better thing to do- went for a walk. We talked about random things, most of which I don't recall. After a while she asked what was going on at school and what had I wanted to talk to her about. We had wandered on to the main part of campus by now and found a bench. I assured her that I would first give some pretext.

"First off I'm not going to profess my undying love and try to make out with you." I said.

She answered that by saying she had a feeling of what I was going to say and that it had to do with I&W's facebook note. I coyly said "yeah that's me" and proceeded to tell her how I came to where I am.

"I like men, and whatever label that commands. (pause) I'm gay."

Right off the bat J made it clear that my sexuality didn't change anything. We talked for the next hour or so about theology and life. She openly wondered why people are so inclined to ostracize others because of personal differences. J also shared a funny experience with a guy friend of hers. Can't share, I want to because it's funny but promised I wouldn't. :) We ended the conversation and agreed that we should hang out more. So---I'll be joining her for a ho down with some friends tonight. lol

On a somewhat related note, school+me=FAIL. Literally. I am still not to the point of not letting my personal situations influence how I function. This semester started out great and was trucking along until a few weeks ago. Now I am facing a GPA that won't allow me to stay in school. To be frank, I could give a crap. This is my fourth semester of school since fall '06 and I am just burnt out. The whole point of being here is just so I can get a diploma and a job. Seriously? Four years, umpteen bazillions of dollars and all I get is the realization that I could have been working during that time and NOT wasting money listening to professors drone on about god knows what? No I'm not thinking rationally at the present time or considering that I have and am supposed to be learning about history and politics so I can be a more well rounded person. I'm just pissed at life right now. The 'career' I would like to have one day is that of a missionary. Living in some forsaken place with an indigenous people or combating poverty in a third world country, all the while spreading the gospel of Christ. Can I do that without a degree? Yes. Will realizing my dream and life in general be harder without a degree? Why yes it will, and honestly I'm okay with that.

The biggest problem and point of greatest hurt is what my parents have done for me. Last fall after my most recent batch of failing grades there was quite a bit of turmoil and "well 'WTF' Son?" from the parents who have bankrolled my education. "We could have lost the house" (while dramatic) is something my mom said could of potentially happened when they chose to make school payments over house payments. I don't know how to break the news to them or how (intense) their response could be. THEN there will be the "Well what happened?" question. Do I share that the main reason for my slacking off was the depress state I have been in that was brought on by the crisis of faith I had because I'm gay? Is sharing my sexuality with them in hopes that they will possibly be more understanding a shallow or sketchy thing to do?
I'm not sure. I do know that the more I think about my grades the worse my outlook becomes. I'm not in a 'bad' place per-se - just a horrible funk that I can't seem to shake.

That's about all for now. I didn't intend for this post to end up in pity land but that's where I went.

Maybe a morning run to make things better? Yes, yes I will.
kthnx bye,
-E
P.S. I also enjoy A.U. because there are many more attractive guys. *Begins to sing 'You're so vain'*
Yes, they walk around naked......lol. ;)

HoLY FRENcH TOaST BATMAN! *Part 2*

We have a situation on our hands

(not sure what the deal is with the text size changing half way through but w/e)

First off I don't know why my body hates me. I went out with friends for "dinner" (Arby's, in this town it's either Mexican or fast food) and got in around ten-ish. At that point I had been going on only a few hours sleep and was looking forward to a good night's rest.....and did not mean to pass out in bed with my computer at eleven. I came to around two, a whole three hours rested and felt like poo. (rhyme much??) After dental and facial hygiene were taken care of *nerd hands* I decided to write in my journal before bed. Well that took longer than expected and lead to a mind full of non stop fluid thought that has not allow me to sleep. So here I am, finishing up some thoughts from a previous post, and adding some new stuff. *(start time 6:15)

The reasoning behind the title and sub title of these posts is fairly obvious: there is a problem. More accurately I believe there is something gone arry with how the modern Christian Church is addressing it's gay and lesbian brothers and sisters. After reading about Jay and the Side B life he has chosen to lead, my heart hurt for him and I have explained why. I have also been reading about Side X a belief that most of the Christians I know espouse and I frankly just don't get it.

David Inman defines Side X: "You cannot self-identify as gay and be Christian. You must change and be transformed by God to being straight"

When one views this belief in a secular sense,(That is saying a person much choose between two equally important parts of themselves) it is wholly a devastating way of viewing people. For a person who is realizing that they are gay and not what society would call "normal" can be a trying event in ones life. A person during that time seeks guidance, answers and most of all support from their friends. To tell someone in such a vulnerable place that they have to choose between two parts of themselves is IMO wrong and irresponsible.

However Side X is a "christian" belief so let's go at it from that angle. I personally have come to a Side A view of myself and am not yet able to offer a convincing argument against Side X. So instead I will seemingly divert the conversation to something I can adequately express -even if through someone else's words.

I offer a defence of Side A. I will again quote a writing by David. In '07 he wrote a short essay of sorts titled In Defence. He wrote to:

"try to give an attempt to explain to you where I’m coming from in regards to my sex ethic and decidedly Side A beliefs (i.e., the belief that gay sex is okay)."

He briefly covers the "clobber verses" like Leviticus 18:22, 20:13-Romans 1:26-27-1 Corinthians 6:9, and 1 Timothy 1:10. His analysis and study of these passages is surprisingly knowledgeable for someone who is only twenty two. He goes on to focus on other passages, questions people raise and also morality. I would encourage anyone who wants to better understand where I am coming from to read his writing on this, and the archives of his older blog posts. They have been extremely helpful to me as of late.

I guess that no real defence, rather me telling you to go read something as if I had written it. My intent though is to show where I now stand. I hope that by better understanding Side A one can see that at the very least, persons who advocate Side X are doing so to the detriment of the body of Christ. Maybe my question is, why can this issue be mearly one of theological difference? (like Calvinism and Arminianism) Yes debate is necessary and should take place but why are there places like Exodus International. "you don't have to be gay! You can lead a life of fulfillment and holiness as God intended, a life far better than what you have experienced so far."
Is having a "ministry" that says things like this healthy?
At this point I have more questions about the Side X folks than answers.

While there are still things I don't understand, I have come to know a few things. I read David's post In Defence just after posting Part 1. This was my response to the essay as I articulated in a message to eve and my cousin.

"When I finished treading the post I wanted to cry, tears of Joy and relief; partly due to the fact that I was all out of the angry/scarred tears. I also wished that I could find David (the author) and give him a ridiculously awkward bear hug....or buy him a house or SOMETHING to show him gratitude. For what he had written gave me newer and more satisfying peace about who I was in Christ."

I now hold Side A beliefs with confidence, knowing that at the very least God does not condemn me for being myself. I am a gay Christian. That's pretty much it for now.

One last thing that I have thought since beginning my journey and will strive towards in a healthy way: I am still ME. What I mean is, my sexuality should not be the focal point of my life, that place is reserved for my Creator-God. My love of cheez-its, tardiness to everything, crazy sense of humor or height are all part of me but just like being gay, they don't define me.

Well that's all the sketchieness I have time for at the moment. :)
~`E

HoLY FRENcH TOaST BATMAN! *Part 1*

We have a situation on our hands

     This post will in a few different directions as I try to
direct them towards my main point. WTFT is goin' on people?

I just finished reading a blog by a guy named Jay. We share
some common ground. He is a Christian male in his twenties who
is dealing with being attracted to men. However what I might
call gay and try to find peace with, he labels Same Sex
Attraction and deals with it as a sort of "thorn in the flesh."
In some posts he talks as if he is gay while in the
same breath holding fast in his belief that he can never know
the kind of total love that heterosexual couples share. I just
don't get this kid.

(Begin rant)
When I saw a post about a boyfriend Jay had, I
thought he might be coming to a different conclusion about
things. I read how there was no physical intimacy between them.
(outside of hand holding and the like) I respect him, and think
it's an admirable choice for any couple. But when he sited the
reasoning for a non romantic relationship,I was baffled.

"It (the Bible) does not respond to our every whim and want. As such, I still view sex between anyone outside of a man and woman united in marriage to be outside of God's Will and, therefore, sinful."

Thaaaaaaaaat is when my tiny brain exploded. Yes sex is only for two people who have dedicated themselves to God and each other through marriage; but he still holds that same sex couples are outside Gods plan. Jay knows he is attracted to men. Jay has emotional feelings that:
"Just holding his (BF's) hand is enough to make my heart flutter..."

He also does not like the ladies

"I still don't have any romantic or physical feelings for the opposite sex."

So He is not attracted to women, He likes boys, He had a boyfriend, I'm not one for labels but

"HE------IS-------GAY!"

I just do not understand how someone can have such heartfelt desires that go so far beyond some sexual need and in the same breath call them sinful.
Some who read this might agree with Jay saying, "E just needs to realize that God does not allow our every whim or want to be granted. The purpose of Christianity is to serve and show others the Love of Christ"

To that I would say yes, we are to serve others and fulfill the great commission. However God created me in his image and does not want for me to be alone. -Everyone looks for that special someone with whom they can share every single aspect of their life. A husband or wife that they can sit with for hours on end and not have to say a word. A person that they can love and will love them for eternity.- I want that person to be a man. If that is somehow wrong and not OK with my creator then what i have been taught is- to quote Iron & Wine "...FALSE".
I simply cannot choose between God and being true to who I am.

At this point in my life and walk as a Christian 99% of the feedback I am getting says that gays and Christians are two mutually exclusive traits. If they can't coexist then I choose my heart, embracing my homosexuality. (I don't rule out some divine appointment where by God could show me I am wrong AND give me an inner peace. Though I do not expect that any time soon, it could happen.) If being a gay Christian is possible, I will gladly people like the Journeyman and be a minority within a minority.

One thing I do know is that I refuse to live like Jay. IMO he is in some kind of personal hell of his own creation. To acknowledge feelings that are woven so tightly to who he is and at the same time believing that they are wrong is nobel. But more than noble.... his choice is retarded!
(End rant)

This did not start out as a two parter but there is more I want to say and I have been writing this same post since like 2:30am! Yeah.
~`E
P.S. I call it "LOL Gays"

New Peace (long post)

Peace

Since my last post I have done a good bit of talking and praying. Prayer is just talking to God so, I guess I have just done allot of talking. I spoke with my cousin on Monday night, gave her a general update and we made small talk about Halloween. From what I can remember I just shared that I still was not sure about things and was going about the arduous task of "figuring myself out."
Among the small talk she asked how I thought my younger brother might react to my being gay. (He's just out of high school, living on his own and thinks he is the junk because he has 2 fresh "tats" and no curfew) I laughed and said that he would either give me a "So what, all that means is now when I call you gay, mom won't get mad cause its true." OR he would look bewildered for a minute and just say "So.........wait, that means you--------like guys?" After I said that we both had a good laugh. There were some other things discussed and I don't quite recall them at the moment. To sum up the conversation: I let her know that I was still not sure and she said that she still loved me and she was there for me. I thanked her and said goodbye.

Flash forward to Tuesday night driving back to school after having voted and spent some time with family. I might get into election stuff later but most likely not. I will say however that although I think he will be a sub par president and possibly do some stupid things I am surprised at all the facebook statuses that show just how intolerant people are. (Full disclosure: I am an avid Ron Paul supported and ended up voting for Nader, only because McKinney wasn't on my state's ballot.)

Back to the 50 mile drive to school. I make the drive about two to three times a month and every so often the drive happens at night. The two lane "highway" encompasses one of the most boring drives known to man. To sum it up: Tree, tree, treeeeeeeeeeeeee, pasture, then more trees. Though boring, the drive makes for near perfect star gazing. I pulled off about fifteen miles from school and laid on my roof and stared into the endless sky all around me. "Beautiful" I thought. After about ten minutes I decided to speak with God. "Hey" was all that came out and I just waited, like I expected a response. Silence. I then began some of the hardest, realest thirty minutes I have spent in a while.

"I just wanted to talk with you about some stuff, and I just thought that talking out loud would be best, for me at least" Cars and semis whiz bye. "'I'm just a kid with a heave heart these passing sunrises and sunsets' and, (pause) I just don't see how this can be wrong if you made me and you love me. I could be way off base here but I think that is what the whole 'Bible thing' is about, love right? So I'll keep it real, you know what I'm thinking anyway. -WHY IS THIS SO FREAKIN' DIFFICULT!- I want to be with another guy, date men, someday be held in arms that match mine and look into loving eyes that just happen to belong to someone who looks like I do. Can I do that? Is that cool with you? Because honestly I don't know." (I was kinda pissed at this point and began to cry) "All my life I've been taught that these feelings at the core of who I am are wrong and I don't know how to deal with this. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CHOOSE BETWEEN WHO I AM AND YOU?!"

That was the last intelligible thing I said. The rest of the time was spent crying like I haven't done in a while. The kind of tears flowing from my cold red face were warm as though they were pumping straight from my heart. I was literally at war with myself and was fighting a lonely, loosing battle. I composed myself and ended the conversation.
"I still love you and know that you love me no matter what happens. I gotta go."

I was still very angry, confused, bitter, and felt very isolated. I turned on my ipod and listened to Flyleaf for the rest of the drive. Not because I had a yearning for Lacey's raspy, cute voice but because I needed some mind numbingly loud music and that was the first thing I thought of. As I pulled onto campus I realized that if possible I desperately needed to talk to someone. Because I was without a phone (left in a friends car) I facebook messaged Iron and Wine. (she's a girl, a theologian:), and friend....not really a theologian but a very smart person who is really adept at listening and providing sound guidance at the drop of a hat) After about 10 minutes I met with her on the patio behind her dorm.

After small talk I laid things down. "I'm gay-I'm a christian, and those things are directly opposed to each other and i just spent the last thirty minutes crying and yelling at God" She began shaking her head immediately when I implied that homosexuality was wrong. She and I talked for about the next thirty minutes. We covered some basics about love, grace and who God created us to be. We talked about literalism and how nothing can be viewed through only one set of glasses. A paraphrased example she gave: If I read *name of Biblical anthology* through only the glasses of literalism, then I would think that *names a scholar* actually meant that I should eat babies. Her point was that the Bible is truth, but it must be read while taking into account the time, place and customs of the writers.

While I am not sure that the above makes any sense to anyone I came away from our talk with a profound feeling of peace. This is part of a reply message she sent me today:

"a Christian should find their identity in Christ; simultaneously they should realize that THEY are made in God's image, and that through grace, we are each ADOPTED into righteousness. we are adopted into a family with Christ in which Christ makes us his own. no questions -- that's how grace works. :)"

Though I hope I can resolve this issue like yesterday, I realize this will take time. I do know that I have taken a huge leap forward by accepting myself no matter what. I am also comforted to know that I have a great friends in I&W and my cousin, who I can talk to whenever I need guidance.

DONE! Now can I please meet this guy tomorrow for dinner?

Roaches, and Parties, and cute guys OH MY!

The last few days have been eventfully uneventful. As the title states, roaches. More specifically effin roaches all over my dorm. (and I fear/know-all over my stuff) For the time I reside in an antiquated four story slum on my campus. The oldest dorm and only one that has never been renovated. Hopefully next semester I will be back in the lush 14 room dorm that is like a really big house. I try to keep my mind on that luxury while I sit in absolute squalor, writing this blog post.

Bad Halloween costumes abounded Friday night and I had a great time at a party with some friends. I started thinking of "what to be" about 2 hours before the party. I then decided to go on a run. I have been an off and on kind of exerciser and as of late I'm going through an on phase that I think will last. So after a quick shower I made it to the "shindig" just as the band started to play. We ended the night watching Rocky Horror Picture Show. For those who don't know, the movie centers around a newly engaged couple who-after a flat tire in the rain-find themselves smack dab in the middle of a crazy house party. The film is filled with transvestites, aliens, skimpy clothes and same sex action that can be quite titillating. (Really? is that a word I use??) The reactions were mixed and varied. Not that this is really any way to gauge their possible reactions to my "gayness" but I think they would be OK with it. Just FYI: I've never thought that they would freak in the first place but it was comforting (?) to hear them laugh as a straight guy got head from a transvestite male. ANYWAY. I had a great time. Oh and I went as a "Runner" which gave me an excuse to wear some short shorts that show off my "not to shabby" legs that were actually felt up by some friends..........yeah. ;)

On the subject of cute guys. I have always noticed the males on campus, mores specifically the good looking ones. However now I am more apt to get a good look at them and "ogle" as much as is possible without looking live a perv. or "GAY." (Said with a southern twang in a disapproving tone) For instance, I was in the library a few days ago and a guy walked in. He had dark brown/black hair and was tall, about 6'2. A good height seeing that I'm about 6'1-6'2. Besides his athletic build he had eyes that could turn the pope gay. They were a piercing blue, the kind that seem only achievable through color contacts. Either way he was gorgeous and something inside me jumps when I see him. (two sightings as of now)

Finally and the main reason for posting, sometimes girls are really REALLY fun to hang with, and flirt with. I went to Auburn University this past Wednesday with a friend. She invited me to an organic type praise group that meets on campus. More accurately OUTSIDE in the cold. We got into town a few hours early and met up with some of her friends at their apartment. One I knew and one I was going to meet. The one I met was named Tiane. That is a guess on spelling but it is pronounced tye-ann. When Eve (the friend I came with) told me her name on the way there I said "Really? the girls name is Tiane? Eve...I mean seriously?" Her stupid name was countered by the fact that she was really cute and had a bubbly-borderline valley girl personality and did I say she was easy on the eyes? Not in a slutty Pamela Anderson way but just girl next door-really pretty. We hung out for a while and joked that we must be twins given that we did allot of the same things (checked out guys I thought to myself) and sometimes our brains just stopped working. Yeah I know...... After dinner we went out for coffee and sat for a while talking about nonsense. The whole while I found my self trying to make her laugh and paying her compliments and smiling like a drunken idiot. What was I doing. A more pertinent question was "What does this mean?!" By nights end I was thinking about coming back on another Wednesday for the worship time and then I thought "Yeah because she'll be there to!" I was comforted by Eve who asked if I liked Tiane "Because every guy that meets her falls in love with her." Well maybe that was it. She is some sort of vixen or beautiful siren and I was just an innocent victim.

Whatever she is I found it attractive, at least on the surface. I enjoyed her shy glances and cute laughter but I think it stops there. When I think of her in a romantic sense (i.e. physical intimacy, kissing her etc.) my brain starts to pull a Chernobyl. As if it is confused by the the fact that...well, she's got a vagina. My mind starts to race, "But I'm attracted to guys right?" "I guess I could be bi-sexual." "You're just a kinky straight dude who hasn't banged a girl and don't know what you're missing!" This encounter has highlighted the fact that right now nothing is for sure. For the time being I am in the ambiguous ocean known as "confused college guy."

I think another call to my cousin is in order, or Eve. She might be able to offer some new perspective on things. Yeah I think so. Today I "come out" to Eve.

-E