At the library.......BOO!

So yeah, I'm blogging at the library...classy? Not really sure.

What I am sure of is that my computer is fried and I have limited use with my dad's laptop.
She is pretty old and I have seen her death coming for a while now. I might see if I can just re-install windows for a quick fix but honestly....she might just be dead for real. :sigh: time to start saving I guess.

So "what's up with me" you ask? Well currently I'm being weirded out by the librarian that keeps walking around and behind me. I wonder if she is reading this.......lol. Guess not.

I, like so many others watched Prayers for Bobby on Lifetime this past Saturday. Overall, I enjoyed it. To see so many of the thoughts and issues that I have dealt with and will deal with portrayed on film was "neat' I guess. There was some bad acting and I think they may have been a bit harsh with the clergy's lines, however it was still moving.

Eve and I hit the town on Monday, Auburn that is, and went to see Bride Wars. We had fun, though the movie was not really that good. She enjoyed it, however I could have waited to see it on video. The semi highlight of the night came when we headed for her place. I had placed my coffee- now cold- on her dash before we went in to the movie. Upon pulling out of the parking lot the afore mentioned coffee founde its way to my lap and all over my new jeanz. At the time I was on the phone with a friend and screamed quite loud. Yeah, sometimes I can give Fay Wray a run for her money. BTW He is still recovering. HA!

Well that's all for now. The library is closing and I think I might be albe to get my hands on my dads computer this evening.

-E

P.S. Didn't have time to edit.....will do that later I guess :P

Tristan & Isolde

Sitting in a friends studio apartment, just finished watching a tragic film about love. *ugh*

Before I finished my shift at work Eve gave me a call and I made plans to spend the evening in Auburn. After dinner at Hibachi Express, with some bad service I might add, we came back to Eve's place to hang for a while. This is not my home town so even though I was hanging out in an apartment, it was in Auburn...not my house.

So after a failed attempt at going out for a movie ended up at another friends place. Some hookah and more time passed before we decided to pop this little gem of a film into the player.

James Franco is defiantly FTW and I have wanted to see this film for quite some time. Yes, it has been out for a while, just never got around to seeing it.



So, *spoiler warning*


Their story is quite exciting and filled with so much *awe* and *I can haz that?* James Franco is responsible for the brunt of said feelings. I mean...... :gush:

In the end there is much love, war and Tristan dies. Such is life...maybe?

So I guess I just wanted to post this to say, if you want to feel sad about things and possibly have a good cry, this is the movie for you. But be warned it could bring up feelings of loneliness and longings that can be to much. Sigh.

All in all I've had a fun night. Just wanted to make a post for posterity if anything else.

Also a shout out to a new reader: G @ doomed but cheerful
Another side note regarding readership: could JulianMiller520@gmail.com drop me a line?
I have, ashamedly, forgotten who you are. My apologies.

Good morning, :)
-E
P.S. As per the request of a friend "Kerri" Tonight I consumed a whole pack of mints. They were Tic Tac sized and quite tasty. Anything not understood I will write off due to the fact that I am posting this at 4AM. Off to Starbucks! haha

Things have been happening.....

FYI: This post should have been posted about 2 days ago. Things have changed. Not that much but just know that it is kinda dated.


....And I haven't felt like or actually had time to sit down and write.

One main reason being that the "interwebz" hook up is in the kitchen of my parent's house..."my house" I guess, and pretty much the only time I can sit and not worry about what I'm doing/writing is at night.

Short blurbs for now.

Came out to parents and things went ridiculously well. Better than I thought. I was left alone with my own thoughts for to log and had concocted some crazy scenerio that didn't come true. They said they loved me and cautioned me about who I shared my story with. "Other people don't love you as much as we do E." Those words from my dad were great to hear. they do not fully understand my being gay, and I don't expect them to they have questions and want to leave this like an open discussion.

One "shoulda-woulda" was that I could have been a bit more clear and firm when conveying where I am. I don't think I gave them any false hope that I'm not gay, however more could have been done on my part to convey that I am gay and that is something that is not going to change.

I had my 21st birthday and spent it with friends in Auburn. Yes, I did drink. After 3 liquor only drinks and two beers "lil E" was drunk. This being my first time drinking I was surprised I made it that far. :) A few things:
**(some) Beer>Liquor.
**Sandy Shriley taste like cough medicine, not like a shirley temple as J suggested.
**I realized I was "tipsy" when I got up to get a drink and thought "Alright, let's try to not look drun.......uh, ummm, I'm DrUnK-ish"
**The final place we ended up at was not the classiest place, but that's how we roll. It was a "the only reason I'm here is to get trashed" kinda joint, rather than a "we're here to socialize and dance while we drink" establishment. Either way I had a great time.
**Really good laughs were had while watching "bromance" take place. Bromance: The manly greetings that often turned awkward looking due to the loss of one's senses.

That's all for now.
-E

Classy or Sloppy.......

In regards to drinking that is. Yep today(well Dec.-10th) is my 21st birthday and it has been a pretty good one at that.

It started last night by sleeping in my own bed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't explain the feeling, going from a cramped twin to a comforting queen sized bed. *Please, save the queen jokes, not that kind of gay ;)*

I then got some calls from family and friends which were much appreciated.
Eve stopped by with some coffee and a gift- more coffee!. :D

I jammed to none other than Scissor Sisters Ta-Dah album for the next few hours. Might have a music crush on that Jake Shears?! HAha
Paroozed facebook for way to long.

Another phone call from aunt #2.....not sure if I've mentioned her on here?
Dinner with mom and youngest bro, dad is on hunting trip.

Went to see Four Christmases with Eve. Pretty good, a few "cameo" type appearances by Sissy Spacek, and OMG freakin' CHRISTINE CHENOWETH!!!!!! I might kinda wanna stalk her.

Iron and Wine called and we talked about plans for this weekend in Auburn. Looking forward to that.............."oooooooh yeah!" lol!
Auntie M. also called and sang to meh. Man I love her. She also sent me a package- a shirt with a note that was just great. Even though the shirt was a 2x it's the thought that counts right?

Tangent: I hate when people assume things like shirt size. I would much rather someone ask me. "A medium" i'd say, rather than a 2XL. I guess I can't really blame them. It wasn't too long ago that I was 5'11" and 240Lbs.

*summer- 2005

*Summer 2008- A much happier 6'2" 170-ish *end Tangent

Oh, lastly. When does one try and move a friendship toward more that such? Especially if the other party is in a different "emotional" place? Should party A ask party B and risk rejection? Or Should I.....er- uh "party A" just enjoy the friend for now and let things happen/ not happen, organically?

I don't usually ask for comments but please, if you have made it this far............jot a few thoughts down. After all it is my birthday. ;)

~`E

Weekend happenings

Warning: Subject matter, verb tense, and clarity could change at any moment.

I'll begin with Friday night. As mentioned in a previous post I met up with J in Auburn on Friday and accompanied her to a "ho-down." Corny - I know - but I ended up having a pretty good time. There were hay bails, cowboys [not the rugged, chap wearing ones :(] and a camp stew type dinner that wasn't all that bad. The highlight of the evening came when we all paired up for square dancing. With J by my side I began to wade through the oh-so awkward waters. There was a caller *swing yer partner round and round* who sang to old records that barked at us through '70s era speakers. I was reminded as we swapped partners and whorred outselves around the dance floor how little I had to say to the ladies that I danced with. Just an observation really, only to say that I spent more time eying the boys than exchanging "hi how are ya's" with the girls. Because after all, hooking up with a random stranger was the goal of the evening.....wasn't it?

There was one small highlight during the evening. I had excused myslelf from the endless fun of the dance floor and was sitting with some acquantinces, talking about nothing. I noticed a guy (who's seat I had taken) comming my way presumably to gather his belongings. ( Which turned out to be awater bottle.....really he came over to get a bottle???) I raised my knees and put my feet in the chair so he coul reach his things. He leaned over and excused himself- "I think this one is mine?" As he stood upright (me still staring at him) he flashed a killer smile at me and I almost fell off my seat. He was tall wearing jeans and a white and blue striped long sleved dress shirt. His hair was red and as noted was sporting a great set of pearly whites.

So on the cuteness front, the night wasn't a total loss :)
After the ho down, a hookah bar and some tasty chicken fingers (HA!) I said bye to J and left for home.

Saturday began with a late brunch. I purposefully got to the caf. shortly before it closed because honestly I felt and looked like junk after having gotten in at 4am. from an almost 2 hour drive. BLEH! So expecting no one I knew to be there, who did I see upon entering but Hugs and his girlfriend. I gave them a passing smile as I made a beeline for nurishment. (kind of a joke given the selection of food that Sodexho provides) I sat far from the lovely couple, who were finishing up their food. I looked up from my plate a few minutes later to see him heading my way, presumably to say 'hi how are ya' before they left. But no. What does he do? As I stick my hand out to shake his he leans over and wraps me in a "i'm standing you're still sitting" type hug.

SRLSY?!

I mean I'm not complaining in the least but on some levels it's torture. I reached around and gave him a half embrace and after a few seconds and a coy smile he parted. Again I say SERIOUSLY PEOPLE! Does he read this blog?......... I guess my main 'problem' is that he's not anywhere near gay and he's dating a girl as proof. My newly akwnoleged hormones just can't handle this tease. It's like I'm a high school teen who just discovered the opposite sex (or same, in my case) and doesn't know what to do with himself. And every time he makes a joking advance or puts his arms around me I am reminded of all that is pent up with in me and the fact that he is un-dateable. Garrrr.........................

Sunday was fairly uneventful. I haven't felt like church in a while and this Sunday was no different. After lunch I got things together for a 2:45 call time before my choral concert. It was our combined fall show and things went fairly well. There is something about good choral music that makes one feel that all is right with the world.

Before dinner I got a phone call from a friend I knew during high school. "Adam" and I hadn't talked much and given the fact that after we graduated he stayed in town, I haven't seen him but on a few weekends when I have been home. He had heard from a friend (wouldn't say who >:( that I was gay or as he put it "Our situations are similar" Frankly I wasn't surprised. From the stereotypical things like his mannerisms and voice - to knowing that he set off people's gaydar quite often I had always thought he played for the "other team."(Of which I am a member- however still awaiting my membership card, lol) We exchanged small talk and then after a while dove into the subject matter.

He noted that he had good and bad days and went back and forth. I'm not sure if he meant from good to bad/ gay to straight or what. For most of the conversation he could have been reading from my journal or conversations I'd had with friends. He's in difficult place, one that I have recently been through. After talking for a while I tried to give him snippets of advice.

"The main thing I would say is that dealing with it (sexuality) now rather than later is the
best option. In the long run your feelings and what you know
to be true will surface and at that time it might have morphed into something
that you won't be able to control."

He noted the sense of relief he felt when he was honest with a few people. He said that it felt good and "I can be myself around them." While I'm not sure what 'being honest' with people means I took it to mean he has come out to them as gay. Honestly I'm not sure if he would categorize himself at the moment. He is aware of his attraction to men. Also he has dated girls in the past, mainly to deal with an attraction to guys that he didn't want to address. But from talking to him last night and the honesty he spoke with.........I have a new gay friend. Whether he will choose to be true to himself, regardless of the family or career implications, is not for me to say or decide.

When I first spoke with Iron and Wine about the turmoil I was going through at the time, she didn't nudge me one way or the other. She has always thought/known I was gay but noted that it wasn't her place to try and out me or harass me about what she thought. She was just a friend. I tried and will continue to be a friend to Adam because that's what I have needed and I'm pretty sure what he needs too. We ended the conversation with some lingering, "yeah......." and "well........" and finally said good night.

I enjoyed talking with him mainly because he's another guy. The other friends I have come out to and talked with are all females. Don't get me wrong, they have been a great help but when the conversation moves to the feelings side...........they just can't relate and apathy only goes so far. Being able to speak with someone and have them say "me too" or "I don't get boobs either!" has been great. Finally I was able to speak with a real live person who gets me.....at least the gay part of me :)

Well that's all for now.

Much love,
~`E

I have the best friends, yep

Since my first revelation and latest progress I have personally come out to four people. I say 'out' because at the time I first spoke with most of them I was still somewhat unsure about my present gayness. (Is that proper to say?) Also. thought I have told four I am aware of human nature and the need to 'share' be it for venting or just letting someone know so "you can pray for them" as good southerners usually do :) The actual number being in the range of eight to fourteen. I added the fourth to the list while on my latest trip to Auburn on Wednesday.

Her name............J, well that's part of her name :)
I had made the trip into town with Eve but after a while met up with J at the library. While she closed the word doc. she was working on, I noticed her facebook was opened to I&W's page. J commented about a recent note I&W had written saying "did you see the note she had with like 50 comments?" Of course I had. The note was one about a 'friend'(me) that I&W had and his homosexuality- also her views on the subject. I totally ignored her question and just said "yeah she does write allot......." We left the library and for lack of a better thing to do- went for a walk. We talked about random things, most of which I don't recall. After a while she asked what was going on at school and what had I wanted to talk to her about. We had wandered on to the main part of campus by now and found a bench. I assured her that I would first give some pretext.

"First off I'm not going to profess my undying love and try to make out with you." I said.

She answered that by saying she had a feeling of what I was going to say and that it had to do with I&W's facebook note. I coyly said "yeah that's me" and proceeded to tell her how I came to where I am.

"I like men, and whatever label that commands. (pause) I'm gay."

Right off the bat J made it clear that my sexuality didn't change anything. We talked for the next hour or so about theology and life. She openly wondered why people are so inclined to ostracize others because of personal differences. J also shared a funny experience with a guy friend of hers. Can't share, I want to because it's funny but promised I wouldn't. :) We ended the conversation and agreed that we should hang out more. So---I'll be joining her for a ho down with some friends tonight. lol

On a somewhat related note, school+me=FAIL. Literally. I am still not to the point of not letting my personal situations influence how I function. This semester started out great and was trucking along until a few weeks ago. Now I am facing a GPA that won't allow me to stay in school. To be frank, I could give a crap. This is my fourth semester of school since fall '06 and I am just burnt out. The whole point of being here is just so I can get a diploma and a job. Seriously? Four years, umpteen bazillions of dollars and all I get is the realization that I could have been working during that time and NOT wasting money listening to professors drone on about god knows what? No I'm not thinking rationally at the present time or considering that I have and am supposed to be learning about history and politics so I can be a more well rounded person. I'm just pissed at life right now. The 'career' I would like to have one day is that of a missionary. Living in some forsaken place with an indigenous people or combating poverty in a third world country, all the while spreading the gospel of Christ. Can I do that without a degree? Yes. Will realizing my dream and life in general be harder without a degree? Why yes it will, and honestly I'm okay with that.

The biggest problem and point of greatest hurt is what my parents have done for me. Last fall after my most recent batch of failing grades there was quite a bit of turmoil and "well 'WTF' Son?" from the parents who have bankrolled my education. "We could have lost the house" (while dramatic) is something my mom said could of potentially happened when they chose to make school payments over house payments. I don't know how to break the news to them or how (intense) their response could be. THEN there will be the "Well what happened?" question. Do I share that the main reason for my slacking off was the depress state I have been in that was brought on by the crisis of faith I had because I'm gay? Is sharing my sexuality with them in hopes that they will possibly be more understanding a shallow or sketchy thing to do?
I'm not sure. I do know that the more I think about my grades the worse my outlook becomes. I'm not in a 'bad' place per-se - just a horrible funk that I can't seem to shake.

That's about all for now. I didn't intend for this post to end up in pity land but that's where I went.

Maybe a morning run to make things better? Yes, yes I will.
kthnx bye,
-E
P.S. I also enjoy A.U. because there are many more attractive guys. *Begins to sing 'You're so vain'*
Yes, they walk around naked......lol. ;)

Roaches, and Parties, and cute guys OH MY!

The last few days have been eventfully uneventful. As the title states, roaches. More specifically effin roaches all over my dorm. (and I fear/know-all over my stuff) For the time I reside in an antiquated four story slum on my campus. The oldest dorm and only one that has never been renovated. Hopefully next semester I will be back in the lush 14 room dorm that is like a really big house. I try to keep my mind on that luxury while I sit in absolute squalor, writing this blog post.

Bad Halloween costumes abounded Friday night and I had a great time at a party with some friends. I started thinking of "what to be" about 2 hours before the party. I then decided to go on a run. I have been an off and on kind of exerciser and as of late I'm going through an on phase that I think will last. So after a quick shower I made it to the "shindig" just as the band started to play. We ended the night watching Rocky Horror Picture Show. For those who don't know, the movie centers around a newly engaged couple who-after a flat tire in the rain-find themselves smack dab in the middle of a crazy house party. The film is filled with transvestites, aliens, skimpy clothes and same sex action that can be quite titillating. (Really? is that a word I use??) The reactions were mixed and varied. Not that this is really any way to gauge their possible reactions to my "gayness" but I think they would be OK with it. Just FYI: I've never thought that they would freak in the first place but it was comforting (?) to hear them laugh as a straight guy got head from a transvestite male. ANYWAY. I had a great time. Oh and I went as a "Runner" which gave me an excuse to wear some short shorts that show off my "not to shabby" legs that were actually felt up by some friends..........yeah. ;)

On the subject of cute guys. I have always noticed the males on campus, mores specifically the good looking ones. However now I am more apt to get a good look at them and "ogle" as much as is possible without looking live a perv. or "GAY." (Said with a southern twang in a disapproving tone) For instance, I was in the library a few days ago and a guy walked in. He had dark brown/black hair and was tall, about 6'2. A good height seeing that I'm about 6'1-6'2. Besides his athletic build he had eyes that could turn the pope gay. They were a piercing blue, the kind that seem only achievable through color contacts. Either way he was gorgeous and something inside me jumps when I see him. (two sightings as of now)

Finally and the main reason for posting, sometimes girls are really REALLY fun to hang with, and flirt with. I went to Auburn University this past Wednesday with a friend. She invited me to an organic type praise group that meets on campus. More accurately OUTSIDE in the cold. We got into town a few hours early and met up with some of her friends at their apartment. One I knew and one I was going to meet. The one I met was named Tiane. That is a guess on spelling but it is pronounced tye-ann. When Eve (the friend I came with) told me her name on the way there I said "Really? the girls name is Tiane? Eve...I mean seriously?" Her stupid name was countered by the fact that she was really cute and had a bubbly-borderline valley girl personality and did I say she was easy on the eyes? Not in a slutty Pamela Anderson way but just girl next door-really pretty. We hung out for a while and joked that we must be twins given that we did allot of the same things (checked out guys I thought to myself) and sometimes our brains just stopped working. Yeah I know...... After dinner we went out for coffee and sat for a while talking about nonsense. The whole while I found my self trying to make her laugh and paying her compliments and smiling like a drunken idiot. What was I doing. A more pertinent question was "What does this mean?!" By nights end I was thinking about coming back on another Wednesday for the worship time and then I thought "Yeah because she'll be there to!" I was comforted by Eve who asked if I liked Tiane "Because every guy that meets her falls in love with her." Well maybe that was it. She is some sort of vixen or beautiful siren and I was just an innocent victim.

Whatever she is I found it attractive, at least on the surface. I enjoyed her shy glances and cute laughter but I think it stops there. When I think of her in a romantic sense (i.e. physical intimacy, kissing her etc.) my brain starts to pull a Chernobyl. As if it is confused by the the fact that...well, she's got a vagina. My mind starts to race, "But I'm attracted to guys right?" "I guess I could be bi-sexual." "You're just a kinky straight dude who hasn't banged a girl and don't know what you're missing!" This encounter has highlighted the fact that right now nothing is for sure. For the time being I am in the ambiguous ocean known as "confused college guy."

I think another call to my cousin is in order, or Eve. She might be able to offer some new perspective on things. Yeah I think so. Today I "come out" to Eve.

-E