Her name............J, well that's part of her name :)
I had made the trip into town with Eve but after a while met up with J at the library. While she closed the word doc. she was working on, I noticed her facebook was opened to I&W's page. J commented about a recent note I&W had written saying "did you see the note she had with like 50 comments?" Of course I had. The note was one about a 'friend'(me) that I&W had and his homosexuality- also her views on the subject. I totally ignored her question and just said "yeah she does write allot......." We left the library and for lack of a better thing to do- went for a walk. We talked about random things, most of which I don't recall. After a while she asked what was going on at school and what had I wanted to talk to her about. We had wandered on to the main part of campus by now and found a bench. I assured her that I would first give some pretext.
"First off I'm not going to profess my undying love and try to make out with you." I said.
She answered that by saying she had a feeling of what I was going to say and that it had to do with I&W's facebook note. I coyly said "yeah that's me" and proceeded to tell her how I came to where I am.
"I like men, and whatever label that commands. (pause) I'm gay."
"I like men, and whatever label that commands. (pause) I'm gay."
Right off the bat J made it clear that my sexuality didn't change anything. We talked for the next hour or so about theology and life. She openly wondered why people are so inclined to ostracize others because of personal differences. J also shared a funny experience with a guy friend of hers. Can't share, I want to because it's funny but promised I wouldn't. :) We ended the conversation and agreed that we should hang out more. So---I'll be joining her for a ho down with some friends tonight. lol
On a somewhat related note, school+me=FAIL. Literally. I am still not to the point of not letting my personal situations influence how I function. This semester started out great and was trucking along until a few weeks ago. Now I am facing a GPA that won't allow me to stay in school. To be frank, I could give a crap. This is my fourth semester of school since fall '06 and I am just burnt out. The whole point of being here is just so I can get a diploma and a job. Seriously? Four years, umpteen bazillions of dollars and all I get is the realization that I could have been working during that time and NOT wasting money listening to professors drone on about god knows what? No I'm not thinking rationally at the present time or considering that I have and am supposed to be learning about history and politics so I can be a more well rounded person. I'm just pissed at life right now. The 'career' I would like to have one day is that of a missionary. Living in some forsaken place with an indigenous people or combating poverty in a third world country, all the while spreading the gospel of Christ. Can I do that without a degree? Yes. Will realizing my dream and life in general be harder without a degree? Why yes it will, and honestly I'm okay with that.
The biggest problem and point of greatest hurt is what my parents have done for me. Last fall after my most recent batch of failing grades there was quite a bit of turmoil and "well 'WTF' Son?" from the parents who have bankrolled my education. "We could have lost the house" (while dramatic) is something my mom said could of potentially happened when they chose to make school payments over house payments. I don't know how to break the news to them or how (intense) their response could be. THEN there will be the "Well what happened?" question. Do I share that the main reason for my slacking off was the depress state I have been in that was brought on by the crisis of faith I had because I'm gay? Is sharing my sexuality with them in hopes that they will possibly be more understanding a shallow or sketchy thing to do?
I'm not sure. I do know that the more I think about my grades the worse my outlook becomes. I'm not in a 'bad' place per-se - just a horrible funk that I can't seem to shake.
That's about all for now. I didn't intend for this post to end up in pity land but that's where I went.
Maybe a morning run to make things better? Yes, yes I will.
kthnx bye,
-E
P.S. I also enjoy A.U. because there are many more attractive guys. *Begins to sing 'You're so vain'*
Yes, they walk around naked......lol. ;)
1 comment:
i'm really glad that what i wrote could affect the situation positively. ie: i'm glad that maybe my note prepared her for the info drop you were about to have, lol.
also, i've always imagined J to be the sort of Christian that would agree with me on that. we're very "1st and 2nd commandment" Christians.
lastly, i understand your frustrations about school, but often to be a missionary, they will expect a degree. organizations that are mission-based often want a prospective missionary to be able to show their maturity and competence skills through being able to hold a sheet of paper that says they were hardworking for 4 years.
life's a bitch like that, but, it's life -- can't do much to change that, but end it. and i don't think you want that. ;)
let me know if there's anything i can do to encourage you school wise.
let's get together soon!
love ya,
erin
Post a Comment