Showing posts with label peace. Show all posts
Showing posts with label peace. Show all posts
Thursday, January 14, 2010
GCN conference 2010
An upbeat post, a long time coming.
So I am a part of a community called the Gay Christian Network. It is an online community of GLBT Christians and allies who support and care for their christian brothers and sisters. Once a year they hold a conference, and this year Nashville was the setting. I attended and in short had an awesome time.
I took a bus (because i'm classy like that) up a day before on Wednesday to meet some friends and hang out before the conference actually started. I got a chance to meet my friend Matt who I'll be living with when I move in February. Just realizing that I have not noted my move on the blog...... :-/
So I'll be moving to..... (why not) Boston in February just for the hell of it. Alabama has played its part in my life and I need a change of scenery. So yeah, pretty much moving just because.
Though we've known each other for over a year we had never met in person. I enjoyed finding out that he was real and that we both got along well. Though his face is more oval shaped than I thought :P
I also met my friend david (you raised your eyebrow) and enjoyed getting to know him as a "real person" too. I knew he was real when he started to snore. :D
I got the chance to meet the man behind the blog Armored City
The sense of community that I found was new to me post coming out.
During the past year and a half I have separated myself from the Church because I had felt unwanted. Though I had not been personally asked to leave a church or been abandoned by my mother and father in a larger sense I have seen the Church's treatment of the GLBT community as a personal letter reading:
"Thanks for loving your creator and stuff,
but your patronage is no longer needed."
I saw this time with other gay Christians as a healing opportunity. It showed that my absence from large christian fellowship was necessary for a time but that time was over. Instead of being spiritually fed by friends and small groups of individuals I need to again reconnect with the body of Christ that is the Church.
I hope to really start practising that when I move.
During the weekend we heard great speakers such as Dr. Tony Campolo and Mother turned activist- Mary Lou Wallner. Derrick Webb played a concert on Friday night and was absolutely fantastic!
This conference has truly been life changing in all the cliche and not so cliche ways. I have been blessed with new friends and strengthened already existing bonds. I also hope this marks a turning point in my Christian faith too.
So yeah this weekend was great and I might write a second post when I think of more word vomit to put up here :)
-E
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Boyfriend?? ;)
"What is this?? is E actually making a post?!?!"
Why yes ladies and gents I'm making a post. A short update that will hopefully precede my return to the world of oh so important blogging. :)
So much and so little has been happening since I last updated. I'm still at the sandwich shop, Still living at home and STILL not in school. I am ready to get back to college of some kind and ready to get it over with. This whole '21- living at home with a dead end (but good) job' is quite played out.
The title of this post refers to my personal life. Though he isn't one for semantics I think I can refer to him as my boyfriend. I was able to make a trip to see him and Darla about a week ago. It was just great. We met for lunch on Friday and spent the evening at a friend of Darla's who I had met before. I learned that Adam is a cheap drunk. Haha. Saturday included a road trip to another friend's place and some partying. Sunday, after a less than coherent brunch at Cracker Barrel we headed back to Darla's. Adam and I spent what was left of the afternoon together. Without blathering away for paragraphs I'll just say that he is amazing and I can hardly wait until the next time we are together. ;)
Well that's about it for now. Just to say hey, I'm alive, breathing and know the greatest guy in the world...
-E
P.S. Oh and I am no longer in the "never been kissed" category, feels good to be able to say that. :-)
Thursday, December 25, 2008
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
*Written in the early AM and posted in the afternoon*
It is almost 3:30 AM Christmas morning. My family and I just arrived in IL, about 30 min. outside Chicago. Writing this in a word doc. and will post tomorrow....b/c what else is there to do. LOLz
We’re here visiting my mom’s family, most of which still live within ten or fifteen minutes from their childhood home which my grandparents still live in. I have enjoyed visiting here since childhood, with all 18 cousins around during most visits what’s not to like?! My mom’s parents had 8 children, 7 are still living and 6 have children. There are, to date, 18 grandchildren, and 4 great grandchildren…yeah, lots of people. Enough with the family history
It’s below freezing here at the moment and there is snow everywhere.
News as of late? Yesterday I went to a counseling session that my mom setup for me. “OOOO no?!” was Iron & Wine’s reaction when I told her over coffee the other night. I let her know that it was a legit session and there was no trying on my part to force myself into some ex-gay therapy. It was just a counseling session with a Christian counselor at a local and very large Methodist church in town. I agreed to go because my mom had asked me to. Well I say “ask” it was more like “Hey I set up an appointment with ******** for the twenty third” (two days before Christmas? srlsy?) To be fair I won’t be insured after the end of the month but still…..a counseling session? What ever, so I went.
The appointment was for 8:30AM and arrived just in time to sit in an uncomfortable chair, fill out some paper work then head on in. The older gentleman welcomed me and I introduced myself. I sat down exchanged some pleasantries and then we got to it.
He thanked me for my honesty and noted that often people wait until the last few minutes of their sessions to get to the point. I half expected him to say “Well you sound like your in a good place with being queer and all……have a great day!” But that didn’t happen.
We talked about my life a bit and background, how I came to this realization, attraction and just ran the gambit of the usual questions and answers. I knew that this church where he ran his ministry was not affirming so even before going in I knew he would not agree with my view on being gay, let alone a gay Christian. He asked at one point [paraphrase] ‘what if this is, and I hate to use the cliche, your cross to bear’ and that was the closest he came to even a Side B view of things. The session ended and I left. At the reception desk I said that I would contact them if I wanted to make another appointment. I do not plan on going back.
My mom asked if I planned on going back and I told her that I didn’t, because he had nothing new to offer and it would just be the same back and forth. SETTING: This was during opening presents early with my younger brother who had to stay home because of work. She responded....wide eyed and serious “That must have been some documentary you watched”
I was just like I don’t think this is the time and calmly changed the subject. The look on my dad’s face was that of “SRLSY honey…?”
So that’s that……. I hope.
More updates to come, my youngest brother is in the same bed with me and being a helicopter….
-E
P.S. Posting this then going to have a snowball fight-sledding time with some of my cousins!!!! yeah snow!
P.P.S The pictures are from flicker btw...just to get an idea of things.
It is almost 3:30 AM Christmas morning. My family and I just arrived in IL, about 30 min. outside Chicago. Writing this in a word doc. and will post tomorrow....b/c what else is there to do. LOLz
We’re here visiting my mom’s family, most of which still live within ten or fifteen minutes from their childhood home which my grandparents still live in. I have enjoyed visiting here since childhood, with all 18 cousins around during most visits what’s not to like?! My mom’s parents had 8 children, 7 are still living and 6 have children. There are, to date, 18 grandchildren, and 4 great grandchildren…yeah, lots of people. Enough with the family history
It’s below freezing here at the moment and there is snow everywhere.
News as of late? Yesterday I went to a counseling session that my mom setup for me. “OOOO no?!” was Iron & Wine’s reaction when I told her over coffee the other night. I let her know that it was a legit session and there was no trying on my part to force myself into some ex-gay therapy. It was just a counseling session with a Christian counselor at a local and very large Methodist church in town. I agreed to go because my mom had asked me to. Well I say “ask” it was more like “Hey I set up an appointment with ******** for the twenty third” (two days before Christmas? srlsy?) To be fair I won’t be insured after the end of the month but still…..a counseling session? What ever, so I went.
The appointment was for 8:30AM and arrived just in time to sit in an uncomfortable chair, fill out some paper work then head on in. The older gentleman welcomed me and I introduced myself. I sat down exchanged some pleasantries and then we got to it.
Doc.- Why are you here?
E- Well about a week ago I came out to my parents and told them that I am gay. My mom set this up and I am just here to….I guess talk about things and try and figure out how to better relate to her/ them.
E- Well about a week ago I came out to my parents and told them that I am gay. My mom set this up and I am just here to….I guess talk about things and try and figure out how to better relate to her/ them.
He thanked me for my honesty and noted that often people wait until the last few minutes of their sessions to get to the point. I half expected him to say “Well you sound like your in a good place with being queer and all……have a great day!” But that didn’t happen.
We talked about my life a bit and background, how I came to this realization, attraction and just ran the gambit of the usual questions and answers. I knew that this church where he ran his ministry was not affirming so even before going in I knew he would not agree with my view on being gay, let alone a gay Christian. He asked at one point [paraphrase] ‘what if this is, and I hate to use the cliche, your cross to bear’ and that was the closest he came to even a Side B view of things. The session ended and I left. At the reception desk I said that I would contact them if I wanted to make another appointment. I do not plan on going back.
My mom asked if I planned on going back and I told her that I didn’t, because he had nothing new to offer and it would just be the same back and forth. SETTING: This was during opening presents early with my younger brother who had to stay home because of work. She responded....wide eyed and serious “That must have been some documentary you watched”
I was just like I don’t think this is the time and calmly changed the subject. The look on my dad’s face was that of “SRLSY honey…?”
So that’s that……. I hope.
More updates to come, my youngest brother is in the same bed with me and being a helicopter….
-E
P.S. Posting this then going to have a snowball fight-sledding time with some of my cousins!!!! yeah snow!
P.P.S The pictures are from flicker btw...just to get an idea of things.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
New Peace (long post)
Peace
Since my last post I have done a good bit of talking and praying. Prayer is just talking to God so, I guess I have just done allot of talking. I spoke with my cousin on Monday night, gave her a general update and we made small talk about Halloween. From what I can remember I just shared that I still was not sure about things and was going about the arduous task of "figuring myself out."
Among the small talk she asked how I thought my younger brother might react to my being gay. (He's just out of high school, living on his own and thinks he is the junk because he has 2 fresh "tats" and no curfew) I laughed and said that he would either give me a "So what, all that means is now when I call you gay, mom won't get mad cause its true." OR he would look bewildered for a minute and just say "So.........wait, that means you--------like guys?" After I said that we both had a good laugh. There were some other things discussed and I don't quite recall them at the moment. To sum up the conversation: I let her know that I was still not sure and she said that she still loved me and she was there for me. I thanked her and said goodbye.
Flash forward to Tuesday night driving back to school after having voted and spent some time with family. I might get into election stuff later but most likely not. I will say however that although I think he will be a sub par president and possibly do some stupid things I am surprised at all the facebook statuses that show just how intolerant people are. (Full disclosure: I am an avid Ron Paul supported and ended up voting for Nader, only because McKinney wasn't on my state's ballot.)
Back to the 50 mile drive to school. I make the drive about two to three times a month and every so often the drive happens at night. The two lane "highway" encompasses one of the most boring drives known to man. To sum it up: Tree, tree, treeeeeeeeeeeeee, pasture, then more trees. Though boring, the drive makes for near perfect star gazing. I pulled off about fifteen miles from school and laid on my roof and stared into the endless sky all around me. "Beautiful" I thought. After about ten minutes I decided to speak with God. "Hey" was all that came out and I just waited, like I expected a response. Silence. I then began some of the hardest, realest thirty minutes I have spent in a while.
"I just wanted to talk with you about some stuff, and I just thought that talking out loud would be best, for me at least" Cars and semis whiz bye. "'I'm just a kid with a heave heart these passing sunrises and sunsets' and, (pause) I just don't see how this can be wrong if you made me and you love me. I could be way off base here but I think that is what the whole 'Bible thing' is about, love right? So I'll keep it real, you know what I'm thinking anyway. -WHY IS THIS SO FREAKIN' DIFFICULT!- I want to be with another guy, date men, someday be held in arms that match mine and look into loving eyes that just happen to belong to someone who looks like I do. Can I do that? Is that cool with you? Because honestly I don't know." (I was kinda pissed at this point and began to cry) "All my life I've been taught that these feelings at the core of who I am are wrong and I don't know how to deal with this. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CHOOSE BETWEEN WHO I AM AND YOU?!"
That was the last intelligible thing I said. The rest of the time was spent crying like I haven't done in a while. The kind of tears flowing from my cold red face were warm as though they were pumping straight from my heart. I was literally at war with myself and was fighting a lonely, loosing battle. I composed myself and ended the conversation.
"I still love you and know that you love me no matter what happens. I gotta go."
I was still very angry, confused, bitter, and felt very isolated. I turned on my ipod and listened to Flyleaf for the rest of the drive. Not because I had a yearning for Lacey's raspy, cute voice but because I needed some mind numbingly loud music and that was the first thing I thought of. As I pulled onto campus I realized that if possible I desperately needed to talk to someone. Because I was without a phone (left in a friends car) I facebook messaged Iron and Wine. (she's a girl, a theologian:), and friend....not really a theologian but a very smart person who is really adept at listening and providing sound guidance at the drop of a hat) After about 10 minutes I met with her on the patio behind her dorm.
After small talk I laid things down. "I'm gay-I'm a christian, and those things are directly opposed to each other and i just spent the last thirty minutes crying and yelling at God" She began shaking her head immediately when I implied that homosexuality was wrong. She and I talked for about the next thirty minutes. We covered some basics about love, grace and who God created us to be. We talked about literalism and how nothing can be viewed through only one set of glasses. A paraphrased example she gave: If I read *name of Biblical anthology* through only the glasses of literalism, then I would think that *names a scholar* actually meant that I should eat babies. Her point was that the Bible is truth, but it must be read while taking into account the time, place and customs of the writers.
While I am not sure that the above makes any sense to anyone I came away from our talk with a profound feeling of peace. This is part of a reply message she sent me today:
"a Christian should find their identity in Christ; simultaneously they should realize that THEY are made in God's image, and that through grace, we are each ADOPTED into righteousness. we are adopted into a family with Christ in which Christ makes us his own. no questions -- that's how grace works. :)"
Though I hope I can resolve this issue like yesterday, I realize this will take time. I do know that I have taken a huge leap forward by accepting myself no matter what. I am also comforted to know that I have a great friends in I&W and my cousin, who I can talk to whenever I need guidance.
DONE! Now can I please meet this guy tomorrow for dinner?
Since my last post I have done a good bit of talking and praying. Prayer is just talking to God so, I guess I have just done allot of talking. I spoke with my cousin on Monday night, gave her a general update and we made small talk about Halloween. From what I can remember I just shared that I still was not sure about things and was going about the arduous task of "figuring myself out."
Among the small talk she asked how I thought my younger brother might react to my being gay. (He's just out of high school, living on his own and thinks he is the junk because he has 2 fresh "tats" and no curfew) I laughed and said that he would either give me a "So what, all that means is now when I call you gay, mom won't get mad cause its true." OR he would look bewildered for a minute and just say "So.........wait, that means you--------like guys?" After I said that we both had a good laugh. There were some other things discussed and I don't quite recall them at the moment. To sum up the conversation: I let her know that I was still not sure and she said that she still loved me and she was there for me. I thanked her and said goodbye.
Flash forward to Tuesday night driving back to school after having voted and spent some time with family. I might get into election stuff later but most likely not. I will say however that although I think he will be a sub par president and possibly do some stupid things I am surprised at all the facebook statuses that show just how intolerant people are. (Full disclosure: I am an avid Ron Paul supported and ended up voting for Nader, only because McKinney wasn't on my state's ballot.)
Back to the 50 mile drive to school. I make the drive about two to three times a month and every so often the drive happens at night. The two lane "highway" encompasses one of the most boring drives known to man. To sum it up: Tree, tree, treeeeeeeeeeeeee, pasture, then more trees. Though boring, the drive makes for near perfect star gazing. I pulled off about fifteen miles from school and laid on my roof and stared into the endless sky all around me. "Beautiful" I thought. After about ten minutes I decided to speak with God. "Hey" was all that came out and I just waited, like I expected a response. Silence. I then began some of the hardest, realest thirty minutes I have spent in a while.
"I just wanted to talk with you about some stuff, and I just thought that talking out loud would be best, for me at least" Cars and semis whiz bye. "'I'm just a kid with a heave heart these passing sunrises and sunsets' and, (pause) I just don't see how this can be wrong if you made me and you love me. I could be way off base here but I think that is what the whole 'Bible thing' is about, love right? So I'll keep it real, you know what I'm thinking anyway. -WHY IS THIS SO FREAKIN' DIFFICULT!- I want to be with another guy, date men, someday be held in arms that match mine and look into loving eyes that just happen to belong to someone who looks like I do. Can I do that? Is that cool with you? Because honestly I don't know." (I was kinda pissed at this point and began to cry) "All my life I've been taught that these feelings at the core of who I am are wrong and I don't know how to deal with this. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CHOOSE BETWEEN WHO I AM AND YOU?!"
That was the last intelligible thing I said. The rest of the time was spent crying like I haven't done in a while. The kind of tears flowing from my cold red face were warm as though they were pumping straight from my heart. I was literally at war with myself and was fighting a lonely, loosing battle. I composed myself and ended the conversation.
"I still love you and know that you love me no matter what happens. I gotta go."
I was still very angry, confused, bitter, and felt very isolated. I turned on my ipod and listened to Flyleaf for the rest of the drive. Not because I had a yearning for Lacey's raspy, cute voice but because I needed some mind numbingly loud music and that was the first thing I thought of. As I pulled onto campus I realized that if possible I desperately needed to talk to someone. Because I was without a phone (left in a friends car) I facebook messaged Iron and Wine. (she's a girl, a theologian:), and friend....not really a theologian but a very smart person who is really adept at listening and providing sound guidance at the drop of a hat) After about 10 minutes I met with her on the patio behind her dorm.
After small talk I laid things down. "I'm gay-I'm a christian, and those things are directly opposed to each other and i just spent the last thirty minutes crying and yelling at God" She began shaking her head immediately when I implied that homosexuality was wrong. She and I talked for about the next thirty minutes. We covered some basics about love, grace and who God created us to be. We talked about literalism and how nothing can be viewed through only one set of glasses. A paraphrased example she gave: If I read *name of Biblical anthology* through only the glasses of literalism, then I would think that *names a scholar* actually meant that I should eat babies. Her point was that the Bible is truth, but it must be read while taking into account the time, place and customs of the writers.
While I am not sure that the above makes any sense to anyone I came away from our talk with a profound feeling of peace. This is part of a reply message she sent me today:
"a Christian should find their identity in Christ; simultaneously they should realize that THEY are made in God's image, and that through grace, we are each ADOPTED into righteousness. we are adopted into a family with Christ in which Christ makes us his own. no questions -- that's how grace works. :)"
Though I hope I can resolve this issue like yesterday, I realize this will take time. I do know that I have taken a huge leap forward by accepting myself no matter what. I am also comforted to know that I have a great friends in I&W and my cousin, who I can talk to whenever I need guidance.
DONE! Now can I please meet this guy tomorrow for dinner?
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