Original title for post was 'Burnt out'
I really haven't felt like doing much as of late. Honestly if breathing took effort and was not automatic........I might be dead. That is how drained I am right now.
So turkey day has come and gone. We had about 23 at my parents house for Thanksgiving lunch. Both sides of the family were there including my younger brothers current girlfriend. Throughout the few days we spent around each other there were many interesting topics discussed. Interesting conversation was had about a cousin of mine who voted for Obama . An "inconceivable" choice given most of my family's general right of center take on things. (i.e. rush Limbaugh, Fox News and "Mission Accomplished") Conversations usually meandered back to politics or something gay for the duration of the holiday.
Just a few examples:
- While playing cards. My somewhat Fundie. aunt says "And I love Ellen, but ya know I'm just glad that amendment in California passed." To which my mom echoed approval. I just sat there concentrating on the fast pace of Dutch Blitz.
- While watching What not to Wear. Guest on show: I was sometimes mistaken for a lesbian for the way I dressed. Fundie unt: "Did she say she was a Lesbian?!" Me: "Mistaken for one." Aunt: "Oh, I thought she said she was one......" (I really wanted to look at her and be like "Um can you please look around the room. I am the only guy in a room full of girls watching a makeover show about fashion co hosted by an obviously gay man! Like SRLSY Aunt K!?"
- While in the kitchen- "adults" talked about: Republicans perpetually shooting themselves in the foot. Then goes to democratic success this past election and what they plan to do. Then -and I forgot how this fit in- my uncle says; "And it's the same thing with the gay agenda." Then he further stated (Paraphrase)- 'They try to push their values on everyone else.' The subtext I heard was "and they'll rape our kids and they'll change the law so they can be preachers in our churches!"
- (Not gay or Poli. but rather interesting) Darla shared this with me while on our way to hang with I&W and J. Darla: "Yeah your mom cornered me at Uncle J's house and asked me about you and Iron & Wine and why she had been calling so much". ME: "Wait-- WHAT? How did you handle that?!" I honestly feared that Darla said something like 'Wait? Ethan and a girl Oh no, god no, why would you think that?' Darla: HAHA No, I just said that you guys were good friends. She kept on about you guys talking 'a lot' and I just kept saying no.......they are just good friends." My heart kinda sank for my lil mom. I've always had lots of friends that were girls but never a legit "girlfriend" and I guess she has taken notice. How could she not.
Any time these conversations happened I went into some hyper state of "oh crap." For fear that my opinion would be asked for or I would say something that would peak their gaydars.I am not sure how much longer I can stay in this perpetual state of constantly filtering my words and second guessing my every move. Even though my discomfort might seem trivial it is a big deal to me. My political views these days clash with those of my parents and yet I still discuss politics, war and the like whenever I please. Now I am not comparing ones orientation to political discourse but I would like to enjoy the same freedom. Maybe not even the freedom to gush about boys, but just the ease that comes with people knowing more of who I am.
For instance when talking with a friend who grew up in foster care, I wouldn't make light of their foster parents or charge that kids brought up by them were less well off because they didn't have real parents. That would be rude and inconsiderate. And if I truly wanted to know about their life compared to mine then I could politely ask rather than making unfounded and ignorant accusations. (The previous can be read: Stop acting like you know so much, not all gays are AIDS carrying, drag queen rapist- hell bent on world domination. We're just as "normal" as you.) I would like to enjoy the same basic courtesy, but that only comes when people are aware that I'm a Mo. (A funny- quirky term I like)
So the next question is: How soon is to soon? I was encouraged by Aunt #1 to wait until after the holidays to talk to my parents. I guess her reasoning is so that I wouldn't cause a "big gay scene" at Christmas or forever scar the celebration of Christ's birth with the memory of "a dead son." My take on things is slightly different. I love my parents dearly and don't want to hurt them or for them to hurt. That said, they are going to take this however they want no matter the season or time of day. Also as previously stated they are going to want an explanation for why my grades look like the beaches at Normandy. I can' t just say that "well stuff happened" and that's why your thousands of dollars have pretty much been wasted, academically speaking. I also don't feel like doing the usual concoction of lies and halve truths that I usually spew in a situation like this.
So that leads me to want to go ahead and come out to good ole mom and dad. As potentially tough as it could be, and believe me I have thought of all possible scenarios- good and bad, I need to get this off my chest. I think a "yellow bellied" letter/email (w/e) about grades is due and I will elaborate on the why, with a face to face convo. However I don't really want to mix two gritty subjects. (my grades and "OMG gay son") My thinking is that the grades conversation will be softened by the preemptive email. Honestly though. I DON'T KNOW! So enough about that.
On another related subject I am about to return a phone call to one of my "bosses" regarding my summer job. I still haven't decided what to do about that. The main reason why I'm not "here and queer" already is because I would def. not be able to work with them if they found out. (FYI they are like a christian version of habitat for humanity that sets up week long mission opportunities all over the U.S. for middle to college aged students. I have attended projects since 9th grade and worked in NC on staff last summer. It was one of the best summers to date)
The only reason I am even questioning working with them rather than just "keeping my dildos to myself" is because of the contract that I signed last year. I stated that I agreed with The Baptist Faith and Message which has a section I am sort of at odds with.
"In the spirit of Christ, Christians should oppose racism, every form of greed, selfishness, and vice, and all forms of sexual immorality, including adultery, homosexuality, and pornography."
Could I rationalize away this passage? Sure. They provide citation for every part of every section in the BFM. Except when it comes to this part they show none of the verses dealing with "homosexuality." I could say that I agree with them in that the kind of homosexual behavior talked about in the Bible was wrong because it was pedophilia or pre-marital in nature and not the committed healthy type of relationship that I plan on having. But on it's face the wording says no gays and I am one of the aforementioned gay persons. Therefore I am lying if/when I say I agree with all of the Baptist Faith and Message. The only light that I see came when I looked at the current application for the new summer staff applicants. They have omitted the portion dealing with the BFM. SOOOOOOOOOOO maybe I am off the hook? We'll see. I plan on asking B***** when I return his call in just a few minutes.
That's all the time I have for disconnected- crazy- rantish half thoughts.
Oh and the new look of the page is gonna stick. The picture may change and I might add a tag line but I like the new layout. I thought about changing the name of the blog but that was a little to drastic. I have also removed quite a few more mentions of my actual name and other details. I know I know "like you have more than 3 readers who don't know you in the real world." Yeah I know. And to boot when one google searches my first and last name, this blog comes up........well the new changes make me feel better. I'll see about re introducing myself with less anonymity once I'm "good 'N' out" but for now this is how things will stay.
Now for that phone call.
~`E
