MERRY CHRISTMAS!

*Written in the early AM and posted in the afternoon*


It is almost 3:30 AM Christmas morning. My family and I just arrived in IL, about 30 min. outside Chicago. Writing this in a word doc. and will post tomorrow....b/c what else is there to do. LOLz
We’re here visiting my mom’s family, most of which still live within ten or fifteen minutes from their childhood home which my grandparents still live in. I have enjoyed visiting here since childhood, with all 18 cousins around during most visits what’s not to like?! My mom’s parents had 8 children, 7 are still living and 6 have children. There are, to date, 18 grandchildren, and 4 great grandchildren…yeah, lots of people. Enough with the family history

It’s below freezing here at the moment and there is snow everywhere.

News as of late? Yesterday I went to a counseling session that my mom setup for me. “OOOO no?!” was Iron & Wine’s reaction when I told her over coffee the other night. I let her know that it was a legit session and there was no trying on my part to force myself into some ex-gay therapy. It was just a counseling session with a Christian counselor at a local and very large Methodist church in town. I agreed to go because my mom had asked me to. Well I say “ask” it was more like “Hey I set up an appointment with ******** for the twenty third” (two days before Christmas? srlsy?) To be fair I won’t be insured after the end of the month but still…..a counseling session? What ever, so I went.

The appointment was for 8:30AM and arrived just in time to sit in an uncomfortable chair, fill out some paper work then head on in. The older gentleman welcomed me and I introduced myself. I sat down exchanged some pleasantries and then we got to it.

Doc.- Why are you here?
E- Well about a week ago I came out to my parents and told them that I am gay. My mom set this up and I am just here to….I guess talk about things and try and figure out how to better relate to her/ them.

He thanked me for my honesty and noted that often people wait until the last few minutes of their sessions to get to the point. I half expected him to say “Well you sound like your in a good place with being queer and all……have a great day!” But that didn’t happen.

We talked about my life a bit and background, how I came to this realization, attraction and just ran the gambit of the usual questions and answers. I knew that this church where he ran his ministry was not affirming so even before going in I knew he would not agree with my view on being gay, let alone a gay Christian. He asked at one point [paraphrase] ‘what if this is, and I hate to use the cliche, your cross to bear’ and that was the closest he came to even a Side B view of things. The session ended and I left. At the reception desk I said that I would contact them if I wanted to make another appointment. I do not plan on going back.

My mom asked if I planned on going back and I told her that I didn’t, because he had nothing new to offer and it would just be the same back and forth. SETTING: This was during opening presents early with my younger brother who had to stay home because of work. She responded....wide eyed and serious “That must have been some documentary you watched”
I was just like I don’t think this is the time and calmly changed the subject. The look on my dad’s face was that of “SRLSY honey…?”
So that’s that……. I hope.

More updates to come, my youngest brother is in the same bed with me and being a helicopter….
-E
P.S. Posting this then going to have a snowball fight-sledding time with some of my cousins!!!! yeah snow!
P.P.S The pictures are from flicker btw...just to get an idea of things.

New Peace (long post)

Peace

Since my last post I have done a good bit of talking and praying. Prayer is just talking to God so, I guess I have just done allot of talking. I spoke with my cousin on Monday night, gave her a general update and we made small talk about Halloween. From what I can remember I just shared that I still was not sure about things and was going about the arduous task of "figuring myself out."
Among the small talk she asked how I thought my younger brother might react to my being gay. (He's just out of high school, living on his own and thinks he is the junk because he has 2 fresh "tats" and no curfew) I laughed and said that he would either give me a "So what, all that means is now when I call you gay, mom won't get mad cause its true." OR he would look bewildered for a minute and just say "So.........wait, that means you--------like guys?" After I said that we both had a good laugh. There were some other things discussed and I don't quite recall them at the moment. To sum up the conversation: I let her know that I was still not sure and she said that she still loved me and she was there for me. I thanked her and said goodbye.

Flash forward to Tuesday night driving back to school after having voted and spent some time with family. I might get into election stuff later but most likely not. I will say however that although I think he will be a sub par president and possibly do some stupid things I am surprised at all the facebook statuses that show just how intolerant people are. (Full disclosure: I am an avid Ron Paul supported and ended up voting for Nader, only because McKinney wasn't on my state's ballot.)

Back to the 50 mile drive to school. I make the drive about two to three times a month and every so often the drive happens at night. The two lane "highway" encompasses one of the most boring drives known to man. To sum it up: Tree, tree, treeeeeeeeeeeeee, pasture, then more trees. Though boring, the drive makes for near perfect star gazing. I pulled off about fifteen miles from school and laid on my roof and stared into the endless sky all around me. "Beautiful" I thought. After about ten minutes I decided to speak with God. "Hey" was all that came out and I just waited, like I expected a response. Silence. I then began some of the hardest, realest thirty minutes I have spent in a while.

"I just wanted to talk with you about some stuff, and I just thought that talking out loud would be best, for me at least" Cars and semis whiz bye. "'I'm just a kid with a heave heart these passing sunrises and sunsets' and, (pause) I just don't see how this can be wrong if you made me and you love me. I could be way off base here but I think that is what the whole 'Bible thing' is about, love right? So I'll keep it real, you know what I'm thinking anyway. -WHY IS THIS SO FREAKIN' DIFFICULT!- I want to be with another guy, date men, someday be held in arms that match mine and look into loving eyes that just happen to belong to someone who looks like I do. Can I do that? Is that cool with you? Because honestly I don't know." (I was kinda pissed at this point and began to cry) "All my life I've been taught that these feelings at the core of who I am are wrong and I don't know how to deal with this. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CHOOSE BETWEEN WHO I AM AND YOU?!"

That was the last intelligible thing I said. The rest of the time was spent crying like I haven't done in a while. The kind of tears flowing from my cold red face were warm as though they were pumping straight from my heart. I was literally at war with myself and was fighting a lonely, loosing battle. I composed myself and ended the conversation.
"I still love you and know that you love me no matter what happens. I gotta go."

I was still very angry, confused, bitter, and felt very isolated. I turned on my ipod and listened to Flyleaf for the rest of the drive. Not because I had a yearning for Lacey's raspy, cute voice but because I needed some mind numbingly loud music and that was the first thing I thought of. As I pulled onto campus I realized that if possible I desperately needed to talk to someone. Because I was without a phone (left in a friends car) I facebook messaged Iron and Wine. (she's a girl, a theologian:), and friend....not really a theologian but a very smart person who is really adept at listening and providing sound guidance at the drop of a hat) After about 10 minutes I met with her on the patio behind her dorm.

After small talk I laid things down. "I'm gay-I'm a christian, and those things are directly opposed to each other and i just spent the last thirty minutes crying and yelling at God" She began shaking her head immediately when I implied that homosexuality was wrong. She and I talked for about the next thirty minutes. We covered some basics about love, grace and who God created us to be. We talked about literalism and how nothing can be viewed through only one set of glasses. A paraphrased example she gave: If I read *name of Biblical anthology* through only the glasses of literalism, then I would think that *names a scholar* actually meant that I should eat babies. Her point was that the Bible is truth, but it must be read while taking into account the time, place and customs of the writers.

While I am not sure that the above makes any sense to anyone I came away from our talk with a profound feeling of peace. This is part of a reply message she sent me today:

"a Christian should find their identity in Christ; simultaneously they should realize that THEY are made in God's image, and that through grace, we are each ADOPTED into righteousness. we are adopted into a family with Christ in which Christ makes us his own. no questions -- that's how grace works. :)"

Though I hope I can resolve this issue like yesterday, I realize this will take time. I do know that I have taken a huge leap forward by accepting myself no matter what. I am also comforted to know that I have a great friends in I&W and my cousin, who I can talk to whenever I need guidance.

DONE! Now can I please meet this guy tomorrow for dinner?

SMILE!

If he doesn't make you smile then
you have no pulse. :)


As stated in my previous post, I have really felt like talking to someone about how I feel. So last night after dinner I called my fave. cousin in the world, and got her voice mail. Keep in mind that I am in a vulnerable place right now and even more at the time I placed the call. I got the stupidest message that made me think she had answered so I started talking, only to find out that it was in fact NOT her live voice but a recording. I was pretty pissed. So I left a message and called her back. She picked up (for real) and I started rambling.

I told her that I was pretty sure that I was gay and she responded "Really......Really?" All I could say was, "Yeah I know, I know" She then said "Wait are you joking because you're like a funny guy and joke allot?" (I wish) I laughed and told her that I was being legit. With the initial awkwardness out of the way we proceeded to talk for just over 43 minutes. We talked about many things but mostly she just listened. That is what I am most thankful for. She shared about some of her friends who had gone through similar things and dealt with them in various ways. Man, is she great!

One thing I found surprising was how it felt to say some stuff out loud. When "I think I'm gay" came out of my mouth I got kinda scarred. Outside of my internal dialogue the word gay freaked me out. I had said it so many times before, "that's gay" or "you're gay" or "He must be gay." However when used in reference to me (to be redundant) I felt uneasy. However at the same time a part of me felt great after letting it out. Like a part of ME had been acknowledged for the first time, and to another person.

What does all this mean? Good question! I have no freaking clue. However I do know that I now have someone to talk to. I also am more at peace and have lost some "upset stomach" type feelings. Is this who I am? While no one's sexuality defines them fully I think that this is the newest edition to me. Am I 100% sure that I'm gay? No, but if so then I'm more open to it today than I was before talking with her.

Now for a late night run and off to bed. Hopefully I won't get pneumonia. After all it's like 50 degrees outside! BRRRRRRR
-E
P.S. Huggs guy sent me a facebook message today that was about some music then he added:
P.S. Sweet bike
P.S.S Sweeter Face
P.S.S. Ugh
While he was totally doing the pseudo gay college guy thing, I just thought... If he only knew :)

Someone to talk to

To wake up to that in the morning?
A guy can wish can't he?


Another Day
Lately, since coming to the conclusion that I'm most likely bi or gay (still hard to say...) I have felt a longing to tell someone. Even though I am not 100% about things I have had urges while talking to friends to blurt out "I LIKE GUYS" or "I WANNA STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND" Just as ice breakers of course. Although this blog will be helpful, speaking with a real live person is so much more cathartic and helpful. One of my cousins would be someone I think I can talk to. She is a gorgeous lady a few months younger than me. She lives in NC and I'm pretty sure she wouldn't freak if I talked to her about what I'm feeling.

I have read other blogs about people struggling with being gay and closeted. Those people have usually come out to a close friend even if that's just to have someone to talk to. This "thing" is pretty big and I think if I keep it to myself any longer I am gonna freak.

Something else I haven't mentioned yet is the fact that I'm a follower of Christ- a Christian.
Talk about another wrench in things. I have heard of gay Christians before, usually in the context of " he used to be gay, and now he's an 'ex gay'" I mean really people. If this is the way I am then....this is who I am. One of the worst things one can do is tell someone that the most sensitive and personal things about them is "in their head" or " just a sinful behavior." I will confess that I used to be one of those people.

I recently read one of my old journal postings which reads: "On a more serious note the stupid notion that I might (choose to) be gay is out of the question and not possible. First of all it is a choice and a sin. Secondly it is gross. Thirdly the only reason I ever entertained the idea is because I was looking for love and thought I might find it there...that is all."

Wow. I don't think that way any longer and feel sorry for the guy who wrote that. He was in a tough place and pretty scared. I mean to write a self assuring entry such as that only underscores what kind of pain I had and was pushing deeper and deeper inside.

Well that's about it for now. I think I'll sign off now and call that cousin of mine. Hopefully all will go well.
-E

P.S. I have been listening to the new Adele CD and let me tell you. HOLY CRAP IS SHE AMAZING! Her voice is jazzy and fresh with great lyrics to back it all up. You should really go youtube or myspace her right now! :)