Someone to talk to

To wake up to that in the morning?
A guy can wish can't he?


Another Day
Lately, since coming to the conclusion that I'm most likely bi or gay (still hard to say...) I have felt a longing to tell someone. Even though I am not 100% about things I have had urges while talking to friends to blurt out "I LIKE GUYS" or "I WANNA STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND" Just as ice breakers of course. Although this blog will be helpful, speaking with a real live person is so much more cathartic and helpful. One of my cousins would be someone I think I can talk to. She is a gorgeous lady a few months younger than me. She lives in NC and I'm pretty sure she wouldn't freak if I talked to her about what I'm feeling.

I have read other blogs about people struggling with being gay and closeted. Those people have usually come out to a close friend even if that's just to have someone to talk to. This "thing" is pretty big and I think if I keep it to myself any longer I am gonna freak.

Something else I haven't mentioned yet is the fact that I'm a follower of Christ- a Christian.
Talk about another wrench in things. I have heard of gay Christians before, usually in the context of " he used to be gay, and now he's an 'ex gay'" I mean really people. If this is the way I am then....this is who I am. One of the worst things one can do is tell someone that the most sensitive and personal things about them is "in their head" or " just a sinful behavior." I will confess that I used to be one of those people.

I recently read one of my old journal postings which reads: "On a more serious note the stupid notion that I might (choose to) be gay is out of the question and not possible. First of all it is a choice and a sin. Secondly it is gross. Thirdly the only reason I ever entertained the idea is because I was looking for love and thought I might find it there...that is all."

Wow. I don't think that way any longer and feel sorry for the guy who wrote that. He was in a tough place and pretty scared. I mean to write a self assuring entry such as that only underscores what kind of pain I had and was pushing deeper and deeper inside.

Well that's about it for now. I think I'll sign off now and call that cousin of mine. Hopefully all will go well.
-E

P.S. I have been listening to the new Adele CD and let me tell you. HOLY CRAP IS SHE AMAZING! Her voice is jazzy and fresh with great lyrics to back it all up. You should really go youtube or myspace her right now! :)