Exodus protest, Auburn NH

I'll have a grande soy machiato, W/ extra BS

I am moving to Boston in 4 days?!?!?! Maybe....

Some shitty things have been happening at work, the "coffee shop" that is.
My store manager and friend was fired during her shift on wednesday. Reason given the the employees (who love her dearly): "she is no longer with the company anymore."

*Ahem* What. The. Fuck.

I have now witnessed first hand the heartless inhumane way in which corporations operate. She made a healthy profit quarter after quarter, ran an exceptional store, and employed some on the best baristas in the district. However when she failed to conform 100% to the new company line, she was given the axe immediately. Without warning or compassion. She was fired for what amounts to corporate bull shit.

Period.

If that wasn't bad enough I learned that my district manager "was possible unaware" that I was moving and had perhaps not received any paperwork (i.e. the one sheet of paper she has to sign that says "okay person A is okay to go from store C to store D". The past few days have been spent trying to garner information and get things together that I thought had been done long ago.The good news is that I am pretty sure my plans and arrival date will stay the same and I won't have to change flight information or alter my plans.


Also I have begun saying goodbye to friends and family. While I am not saying goodbye forever it still is hard and taxing on one's heart to be away from important people. The holidays will see me back in my hometown but other than that... I think my feet will be firmly planted in New England soil.

Now for something borrowed from a friends blog over at: The Gay I AM



LOVE IT!

Also he posted a bible passage that hit me pretty hard.
Isaiah 40:27-31

Why would you ever complain, O Jacob,
or, whine, Israel, saying,
"God has lost track of me.
He doesn't care what happens to me"?
Don't you know anything? Haven't you been listening?
God doesn't come and go. God lasts.
He's Creator of all you can see or imagine.
He doesn't get tired out, doesn't pause to catch his breath.
And he knows everything, inside and out.
He energizes those who get tired,
gives fresh strength to dropouts.
For even young people tire and drop out,
young folk in their prime stumble and fall.
But those who wait upon God get fresh strength.
They spread their wings and soar like eagles,
They run and don't get tired,
they walk and don't lag behind.

I still have an awesome creator who loves and cares for me no matter if I pay any attention.
I am humbled at the thought of my God's love for me.

That's all the disjointed crazy talk I have time for right now.
I guess I should get to bed, seeing as I have work at 6:45 :-/

Love and peace,
-E
P.S. I think I'll start going with the full name, what the hell :P

GCN conference 2010

An upbeat post, a long time coming.

So I am a part of a community called the Gay Christian Network. It is an online community of GLBT Christians and allies who support and care for their christian brothers and sisters. Once a year they hold a conference, and this year Nashville was the setting. I attended and in short had an awesome time.

I took a bus (because i'm classy like that) up a day before on Wednesday to meet some friends and hang out before the conference actually started. I got a chance to meet my friend Matt who I'll be living with when I move in February. Just realizing that I have not noted my move on the blog...... :-/
So I'll be moving to..... (why not) Boston in February just for the hell of it. Alabama has played its part in my life and I need a change of scenery. So yeah, pretty much moving just because.

Though we've known each other for over a year we had never met in person. I enjoyed finding out that he was real and that we both got along well. Though his face is more oval shaped than I thought :P

I also met my friend david (you raised your eyebrow) and enjoyed getting to know him as a "real person" too. I knew he was real when he started to snore. :D

I got the chance to meet the man behind the blog Armored City

The sense of community that I found was new to me post coming out.
During the past year and a half I have separated myself from the Church because I had felt unwanted. Though I had not been personally asked to leave a church or been abandoned by my mother and father in a larger sense I have seen the Church's treatment of the GLBT community as a personal letter reading:
"Thanks for loving your creator and stuff,
but your patronage is no longer needed."

I saw this time with other gay Christians as a healing opportunity. It showed that my absence from large christian fellowship was necessary for a time but that time was over. Instead of being spiritually fed by friends and small groups of individuals I need to again reconnect with the body of Christ that is the Church.
I hope to really start practising that when I move.

During the weekend we heard great speakers such as Dr. Tony Campolo and Mother turned activist- Mary Lou Wallner. Derrick Webb played a concert on Friday night and was absolutely fantastic!

This conference has truly been life changing in all the cliche and not so cliche ways. I have been blessed with new friends and strengthened already existing bonds. I also hope this marks a turning point in my Christian faith too.

So yeah this weekend was great and I might write a second post when I think of more word vomit to put up here :)

-E

*FUCK*

Before you go a jugging away, let me explain.

Iron and Wine spoke once of using "words of curse", and said something like...they are best effective when used correctly. While i'm not sure if this is correct usage grammatically, it is fitting.

The above title to this post describes my state last night fairly well. My mind, soul, and heart are all in a poor state of affairs. I am thinking more and more about depression and if I am sinking back into such. Not the 'woe is me' type that kept me in my dorm for weeks at a time this past fall, but something that actually hurts. An overpowering sense of sadness builds within me, almost daily, I let it take hold as it tries to shank my brain into oblivion.

I suspect the root cause of things could be my spiritual distance at the moment. I hesitate to say that but if it is not the whole reason behind things it is at the least a part.

Yesterday my dad came home from the children's hospital in Birmingham, where my brother is recovering from surgery. That is another topic all together. He has been gone for a few days and my grandparents have been at the house helping with my youngest brother and such. Before he went to bed he was doing laundry and asked about "those online things where people say whatever they want". He mentioned that he saw something on the today show about it and my mom had seen something "on your computer" about it too.

This conversation he was trying to start came at a horrible time. I had been talking with Luke, and David online. On top of that Adam had just logged on, who I had been wanting to talk to since forever...ok well since we last spoke on Thursday... So my dad keeps on about what I told him were blogs, while all I said was "yep people have them" His line of questioning leads me to believe that he and my mom have not actually seen this blog but rather found my personal blog which is not hardly current. Honestly, I don't know what they know. He then hovered in the kitchen and "needed" to use the computer. This ended up leaving "the guys" hanging and me going to bed in a huff. Because "you don't need to be staying up all night E"

As I lay there all I could think about was EVERYTHING. Frustration much? As previously noted I am dealing with serious loneliness issues. I spend way to much time thinking on such things and work myself into a night spent *keeping it real* with a face red from tears. These issues of loneliness are further exacerbated by me not knowing how to approach friendships or the words to articulate how I feel about people. Putting myself out there and opening up to how others may not reciprocate my feelings toward them is stressing me out to the max. The previous may be translated:

-E is crushing like a 13 yr old and does not know what to do with himself. ;)

So yeah, that's all I can muster about feeling like poo. They are all real issues I deal with but I was just overwhelmed last night. Thanks for reading my rant.

-E
P.S. Just FYI, I'm "ok" like not in a bad place or mood at the moment, despite what you might get from my postings. Just angsty and feelin a bit blue.

"In my silence I am listening, not abandoning"

HoLY FRENcH TOaST BATMAN! *Part 1*

We have a situation on our hands

     This post will in a few different directions as I try to
direct them towards my main point. WTFT is goin' on people?

I just finished reading a blog by a guy named Jay. We share
some common ground. He is a Christian male in his twenties who
is dealing with being attracted to men. However what I might
call gay and try to find peace with, he labels Same Sex
Attraction and deals with it as a sort of "thorn in the flesh."
In some posts he talks as if he is gay while in the
same breath holding fast in his belief that he can never know
the kind of total love that heterosexual couples share. I just
don't get this kid.

(Begin rant)
When I saw a post about a boyfriend Jay had, I
thought he might be coming to a different conclusion about
things. I read how there was no physical intimacy between them.
(outside of hand holding and the like) I respect him, and think
it's an admirable choice for any couple. But when he sited the
reasoning for a non romantic relationship,I was baffled.

"It (the Bible) does not respond to our every whim and want. As such, I still view sex between anyone outside of a man and woman united in marriage to be outside of God's Will and, therefore, sinful."

Thaaaaaaaaat is when my tiny brain exploded. Yes sex is only for two people who have dedicated themselves to God and each other through marriage; but he still holds that same sex couples are outside Gods plan. Jay knows he is attracted to men. Jay has emotional feelings that:
"Just holding his (BF's) hand is enough to make my heart flutter..."

He also does not like the ladies

"I still don't have any romantic or physical feelings for the opposite sex."

So He is not attracted to women, He likes boys, He had a boyfriend, I'm not one for labels but

"HE------IS-------GAY!"

I just do not understand how someone can have such heartfelt desires that go so far beyond some sexual need and in the same breath call them sinful.
Some who read this might agree with Jay saying, "E just needs to realize that God does not allow our every whim or want to be granted. The purpose of Christianity is to serve and show others the Love of Christ"

To that I would say yes, we are to serve others and fulfill the great commission. However God created me in his image and does not want for me to be alone. -Everyone looks for that special someone with whom they can share every single aspect of their life. A husband or wife that they can sit with for hours on end and not have to say a word. A person that they can love and will love them for eternity.- I want that person to be a man. If that is somehow wrong and not OK with my creator then what i have been taught is- to quote Iron & Wine "...FALSE".
I simply cannot choose between God and being true to who I am.

At this point in my life and walk as a Christian 99% of the feedback I am getting says that gays and Christians are two mutually exclusive traits. If they can't coexist then I choose my heart, embracing my homosexuality. (I don't rule out some divine appointment where by God could show me I am wrong AND give me an inner peace. Though I do not expect that any time soon, it could happen.) If being a gay Christian is possible, I will gladly people like the Journeyman and be a minority within a minority.

One thing I do know is that I refuse to live like Jay. IMO he is in some kind of personal hell of his own creation. To acknowledge feelings that are woven so tightly to who he is and at the same time believing that they are wrong is nobel. But more than noble.... his choice is retarded!
(End rant)

This did not start out as a two parter but there is more I want to say and I have been writing this same post since like 2:30am! Yeah.
~`E
P.S. I call it "LOL Gays"

New Peace (long post)

Peace

Since my last post I have done a good bit of talking and praying. Prayer is just talking to God so, I guess I have just done allot of talking. I spoke with my cousin on Monday night, gave her a general update and we made small talk about Halloween. From what I can remember I just shared that I still was not sure about things and was going about the arduous task of "figuring myself out."
Among the small talk she asked how I thought my younger brother might react to my being gay. (He's just out of high school, living on his own and thinks he is the junk because he has 2 fresh "tats" and no curfew) I laughed and said that he would either give me a "So what, all that means is now when I call you gay, mom won't get mad cause its true." OR he would look bewildered for a minute and just say "So.........wait, that means you--------like guys?" After I said that we both had a good laugh. There were some other things discussed and I don't quite recall them at the moment. To sum up the conversation: I let her know that I was still not sure and she said that she still loved me and she was there for me. I thanked her and said goodbye.

Flash forward to Tuesday night driving back to school after having voted and spent some time with family. I might get into election stuff later but most likely not. I will say however that although I think he will be a sub par president and possibly do some stupid things I am surprised at all the facebook statuses that show just how intolerant people are. (Full disclosure: I am an avid Ron Paul supported and ended up voting for Nader, only because McKinney wasn't on my state's ballot.)

Back to the 50 mile drive to school. I make the drive about two to three times a month and every so often the drive happens at night. The two lane "highway" encompasses one of the most boring drives known to man. To sum it up: Tree, tree, treeeeeeeeeeeeee, pasture, then more trees. Though boring, the drive makes for near perfect star gazing. I pulled off about fifteen miles from school and laid on my roof and stared into the endless sky all around me. "Beautiful" I thought. After about ten minutes I decided to speak with God. "Hey" was all that came out and I just waited, like I expected a response. Silence. I then began some of the hardest, realest thirty minutes I have spent in a while.

"I just wanted to talk with you about some stuff, and I just thought that talking out loud would be best, for me at least" Cars and semis whiz bye. "'I'm just a kid with a heave heart these passing sunrises and sunsets' and, (pause) I just don't see how this can be wrong if you made me and you love me. I could be way off base here but I think that is what the whole 'Bible thing' is about, love right? So I'll keep it real, you know what I'm thinking anyway. -WHY IS THIS SO FREAKIN' DIFFICULT!- I want to be with another guy, date men, someday be held in arms that match mine and look into loving eyes that just happen to belong to someone who looks like I do. Can I do that? Is that cool with you? Because honestly I don't know." (I was kinda pissed at this point and began to cry) "All my life I've been taught that these feelings at the core of who I am are wrong and I don't know how to deal with this. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CHOOSE BETWEEN WHO I AM AND YOU?!"

That was the last intelligible thing I said. The rest of the time was spent crying like I haven't done in a while. The kind of tears flowing from my cold red face were warm as though they were pumping straight from my heart. I was literally at war with myself and was fighting a lonely, loosing battle. I composed myself and ended the conversation.
"I still love you and know that you love me no matter what happens. I gotta go."

I was still very angry, confused, bitter, and felt very isolated. I turned on my ipod and listened to Flyleaf for the rest of the drive. Not because I had a yearning for Lacey's raspy, cute voice but because I needed some mind numbingly loud music and that was the first thing I thought of. As I pulled onto campus I realized that if possible I desperately needed to talk to someone. Because I was without a phone (left in a friends car) I facebook messaged Iron and Wine. (she's a girl, a theologian:), and friend....not really a theologian but a very smart person who is really adept at listening and providing sound guidance at the drop of a hat) After about 10 minutes I met with her on the patio behind her dorm.

After small talk I laid things down. "I'm gay-I'm a christian, and those things are directly opposed to each other and i just spent the last thirty minutes crying and yelling at God" She began shaking her head immediately when I implied that homosexuality was wrong. She and I talked for about the next thirty minutes. We covered some basics about love, grace and who God created us to be. We talked about literalism and how nothing can be viewed through only one set of glasses. A paraphrased example she gave: If I read *name of Biblical anthology* through only the glasses of literalism, then I would think that *names a scholar* actually meant that I should eat babies. Her point was that the Bible is truth, but it must be read while taking into account the time, place and customs of the writers.

While I am not sure that the above makes any sense to anyone I came away from our talk with a profound feeling of peace. This is part of a reply message she sent me today:

"a Christian should find their identity in Christ; simultaneously they should realize that THEY are made in God's image, and that through grace, we are each ADOPTED into righteousness. we are adopted into a family with Christ in which Christ makes us his own. no questions -- that's how grace works. :)"

Though I hope I can resolve this issue like yesterday, I realize this will take time. I do know that I have taken a huge leap forward by accepting myself no matter what. I am also comforted to know that I have a great friends in I&W and my cousin, who I can talk to whenever I need guidance.

DONE! Now can I please meet this guy tomorrow for dinner?

Roaches, and Parties, and cute guys OH MY!

The last few days have been eventfully uneventful. As the title states, roaches. More specifically effin roaches all over my dorm. (and I fear/know-all over my stuff) For the time I reside in an antiquated four story slum on my campus. The oldest dorm and only one that has never been renovated. Hopefully next semester I will be back in the lush 14 room dorm that is like a really big house. I try to keep my mind on that luxury while I sit in absolute squalor, writing this blog post.

Bad Halloween costumes abounded Friday night and I had a great time at a party with some friends. I started thinking of "what to be" about 2 hours before the party. I then decided to go on a run. I have been an off and on kind of exerciser and as of late I'm going through an on phase that I think will last. So after a quick shower I made it to the "shindig" just as the band started to play. We ended the night watching Rocky Horror Picture Show. For those who don't know, the movie centers around a newly engaged couple who-after a flat tire in the rain-find themselves smack dab in the middle of a crazy house party. The film is filled with transvestites, aliens, skimpy clothes and same sex action that can be quite titillating. (Really? is that a word I use??) The reactions were mixed and varied. Not that this is really any way to gauge their possible reactions to my "gayness" but I think they would be OK with it. Just FYI: I've never thought that they would freak in the first place but it was comforting (?) to hear them laugh as a straight guy got head from a transvestite male. ANYWAY. I had a great time. Oh and I went as a "Runner" which gave me an excuse to wear some short shorts that show off my "not to shabby" legs that were actually felt up by some friends..........yeah. ;)

On the subject of cute guys. I have always noticed the males on campus, mores specifically the good looking ones. However now I am more apt to get a good look at them and "ogle" as much as is possible without looking live a perv. or "GAY." (Said with a southern twang in a disapproving tone) For instance, I was in the library a few days ago and a guy walked in. He had dark brown/black hair and was tall, about 6'2. A good height seeing that I'm about 6'1-6'2. Besides his athletic build he had eyes that could turn the pope gay. They were a piercing blue, the kind that seem only achievable through color contacts. Either way he was gorgeous and something inside me jumps when I see him. (two sightings as of now)

Finally and the main reason for posting, sometimes girls are really REALLY fun to hang with, and flirt with. I went to Auburn University this past Wednesday with a friend. She invited me to an organic type praise group that meets on campus. More accurately OUTSIDE in the cold. We got into town a few hours early and met up with some of her friends at their apartment. One I knew and one I was going to meet. The one I met was named Tiane. That is a guess on spelling but it is pronounced tye-ann. When Eve (the friend I came with) told me her name on the way there I said "Really? the girls name is Tiane? Eve...I mean seriously?" Her stupid name was countered by the fact that she was really cute and had a bubbly-borderline valley girl personality and did I say she was easy on the eyes? Not in a slutty Pamela Anderson way but just girl next door-really pretty. We hung out for a while and joked that we must be twins given that we did allot of the same things (checked out guys I thought to myself) and sometimes our brains just stopped working. Yeah I know...... After dinner we went out for coffee and sat for a while talking about nonsense. The whole while I found my self trying to make her laugh and paying her compliments and smiling like a drunken idiot. What was I doing. A more pertinent question was "What does this mean?!" By nights end I was thinking about coming back on another Wednesday for the worship time and then I thought "Yeah because she'll be there to!" I was comforted by Eve who asked if I liked Tiane "Because every guy that meets her falls in love with her." Well maybe that was it. She is some sort of vixen or beautiful siren and I was just an innocent victim.

Whatever she is I found it attractive, at least on the surface. I enjoyed her shy glances and cute laughter but I think it stops there. When I think of her in a romantic sense (i.e. physical intimacy, kissing her etc.) my brain starts to pull a Chernobyl. As if it is confused by the the fact that...well, she's got a vagina. My mind starts to race, "But I'm attracted to guys right?" "I guess I could be bi-sexual." "You're just a kinky straight dude who hasn't banged a girl and don't know what you're missing!" This encounter has highlighted the fact that right now nothing is for sure. For the time being I am in the ambiguous ocean known as "confused college guy."

I think another call to my cousin is in order, or Eve. She might be able to offer some new perspective on things. Yeah I think so. Today I "come out" to Eve.

-E

Someone to talk to

To wake up to that in the morning?
A guy can wish can't he?


Another Day
Lately, since coming to the conclusion that I'm most likely bi or gay (still hard to say...) I have felt a longing to tell someone. Even though I am not 100% about things I have had urges while talking to friends to blurt out "I LIKE GUYS" or "I WANNA STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND" Just as ice breakers of course. Although this blog will be helpful, speaking with a real live person is so much more cathartic and helpful. One of my cousins would be someone I think I can talk to. She is a gorgeous lady a few months younger than me. She lives in NC and I'm pretty sure she wouldn't freak if I talked to her about what I'm feeling.

I have read other blogs about people struggling with being gay and closeted. Those people have usually come out to a close friend even if that's just to have someone to talk to. This "thing" is pretty big and I think if I keep it to myself any longer I am gonna freak.

Something else I haven't mentioned yet is the fact that I'm a follower of Christ- a Christian.
Talk about another wrench in things. I have heard of gay Christians before, usually in the context of " he used to be gay, and now he's an 'ex gay'" I mean really people. If this is the way I am then....this is who I am. One of the worst things one can do is tell someone that the most sensitive and personal things about them is "in their head" or " just a sinful behavior." I will confess that I used to be one of those people.

I recently read one of my old journal postings which reads: "On a more serious note the stupid notion that I might (choose to) be gay is out of the question and not possible. First of all it is a choice and a sin. Secondly it is gross. Thirdly the only reason I ever entertained the idea is because I was looking for love and thought I might find it there...that is all."

Wow. I don't think that way any longer and feel sorry for the guy who wrote that. He was in a tough place and pretty scared. I mean to write a self assuring entry such as that only underscores what kind of pain I had and was pushing deeper and deeper inside.

Well that's about it for now. I think I'll sign off now and call that cousin of mine. Hopefully all will go well.
-E

P.S. I have been listening to the new Adele CD and let me tell you. HOLY CRAP IS SHE AMAZING! Her voice is jazzy and fresh with great lyrics to back it all up. You should really go youtube or myspace her right now! :)