*FUCK*

Before you go a jugging away, let me explain.

Iron and Wine spoke once of using "words of curse", and said something like...they are best effective when used correctly. While i'm not sure if this is correct usage grammatically, it is fitting.

The above title to this post describes my state last night fairly well. My mind, soul, and heart are all in a poor state of affairs. I am thinking more and more about depression and if I am sinking back into such. Not the 'woe is me' type that kept me in my dorm for weeks at a time this past fall, but something that actually hurts. An overpowering sense of sadness builds within me, almost daily, I let it take hold as it tries to shank my brain into oblivion.

I suspect the root cause of things could be my spiritual distance at the moment. I hesitate to say that but if it is not the whole reason behind things it is at the least a part.

Yesterday my dad came home from the children's hospital in Birmingham, where my brother is recovering from surgery. That is another topic all together. He has been gone for a few days and my grandparents have been at the house helping with my youngest brother and such. Before he went to bed he was doing laundry and asked about "those online things where people say whatever they want". He mentioned that he saw something on the today show about it and my mom had seen something "on your computer" about it too.

This conversation he was trying to start came at a horrible time. I had been talking with Luke, and David online. On top of that Adam had just logged on, who I had been wanting to talk to since forever...ok well since we last spoke on Thursday... So my dad keeps on about what I told him were blogs, while all I said was "yep people have them" His line of questioning leads me to believe that he and my mom have not actually seen this blog but rather found my personal blog which is not hardly current. Honestly, I don't know what they know. He then hovered in the kitchen and "needed" to use the computer. This ended up leaving "the guys" hanging and me going to bed in a huff. Because "you don't need to be staying up all night E"

As I lay there all I could think about was EVERYTHING. Frustration much? As previously noted I am dealing with serious loneliness issues. I spend way to much time thinking on such things and work myself into a night spent *keeping it real* with a face red from tears. These issues of loneliness are further exacerbated by me not knowing how to approach friendships or the words to articulate how I feel about people. Putting myself out there and opening up to how others may not reciprocate my feelings toward them is stressing me out to the max. The previous may be translated:

-E is crushing like a 13 yr old and does not know what to do with himself. ;)

So yeah, that's all I can muster about feeling like poo. They are all real issues I deal with but I was just overwhelmed last night. Thanks for reading my rant.

-E
P.S. Just FYI, I'm "ok" like not in a bad place or mood at the moment, despite what you might get from my postings. Just angsty and feelin a bit blue.

"In my silence I am listening, not abandoning"