Sleepless night, Eary morning (long post) Part 2

{Continuation of previous entry}

Last night and into this morning however my thoughts were centered around this summer and my job with the christian org.


Looking back at my thought process I can honestly say that everything I tossed and turned about was selfish and not attainable. I had previously decided that this summer';s mission opportunity would not be possible due to the chance I could be outed during the summer. As I was writing my thoughts wandered off into "well why can't I still serve with them?"
Then it was just a lot of "blah blah blah" I thought of how much fun I would be missing out on and the true deference that I could make and change I could facilitate as a staffer. I thought about the relationships I have made and just became bogged down by how much losing out on this summer was going to suck. Honestly it is and I still am angered and saddened by how the (big C) Church treats the issue of homosexuality.
So the night was spent wandering through those thoughts, emotions and what ever else accompanied the realization that: sometimes life just blows.

So yeah that's how my night(s) have been going lately.

I might write later about the full extent of my currently loveless state and how I might suffer from depression.

{a preview}

As stated earlier I haven't ever dated and or kissed or been intimate in any meaningful way, save two occasions. For all intents and purposes those don't count. One was during a play and the other, adolescent curiosity.

I am not sure why my thoughts seem to be flooded with wonderment about being with someone. That's not true, I wonder about such things because I have yet to experience them. I could rant about such things but I'll restrain myself. [is there a less pretentious way to refer to one's self without using I?]

All that to say, never having been kissed or held a hand, being without memories in a park or stupid fights with someone I cared for leaves me lacking in a shitty way.
It's just foolishness to think of such things when they are anything but important when one considers a humanitarian crisis or war in N. Uganda but they are important to me at the moment.

I simply don't know how one deals with such feelings, especially given the length of time I have let pass.

A twenty one year old, romantically loveless, and a heart bursting at the seams.

The above is where this sensation happens whenever I think about love or relationships. It's sometimes described as "weak in the knees" However it's just a tease for now, of what I know nothing about.

Finding solace in music, music about love...surprise-surprise.--------------
-E