New Peace (long post)

Peace

Since my last post I have done a good bit of talking and praying. Prayer is just talking to God so, I guess I have just done allot of talking. I spoke with my cousin on Monday night, gave her a general update and we made small talk about Halloween. From what I can remember I just shared that I still was not sure about things and was going about the arduous task of "figuring myself out."
Among the small talk she asked how I thought my younger brother might react to my being gay. (He's just out of high school, living on his own and thinks he is the junk because he has 2 fresh "tats" and no curfew) I laughed and said that he would either give me a "So what, all that means is now when I call you gay, mom won't get mad cause its true." OR he would look bewildered for a minute and just say "So.........wait, that means you--------like guys?" After I said that we both had a good laugh. There were some other things discussed and I don't quite recall them at the moment. To sum up the conversation: I let her know that I was still not sure and she said that she still loved me and she was there for me. I thanked her and said goodbye.

Flash forward to Tuesday night driving back to school after having voted and spent some time with family. I might get into election stuff later but most likely not. I will say however that although I think he will be a sub par president and possibly do some stupid things I am surprised at all the facebook statuses that show just how intolerant people are. (Full disclosure: I am an avid Ron Paul supported and ended up voting for Nader, only because McKinney wasn't on my state's ballot.)

Back to the 50 mile drive to school. I make the drive about two to three times a month and every so often the drive happens at night. The two lane "highway" encompasses one of the most boring drives known to man. To sum it up: Tree, tree, treeeeeeeeeeeeee, pasture, then more trees. Though boring, the drive makes for near perfect star gazing. I pulled off about fifteen miles from school and laid on my roof and stared into the endless sky all around me. "Beautiful" I thought. After about ten minutes I decided to speak with God. "Hey" was all that came out and I just waited, like I expected a response. Silence. I then began some of the hardest, realest thirty minutes I have spent in a while.

"I just wanted to talk with you about some stuff, and I just thought that talking out loud would be best, for me at least" Cars and semis whiz bye. "'I'm just a kid with a heave heart these passing sunrises and sunsets' and, (pause) I just don't see how this can be wrong if you made me and you love me. I could be way off base here but I think that is what the whole 'Bible thing' is about, love right? So I'll keep it real, you know what I'm thinking anyway. -WHY IS THIS SO FREAKIN' DIFFICULT!- I want to be with another guy, date men, someday be held in arms that match mine and look into loving eyes that just happen to belong to someone who looks like I do. Can I do that? Is that cool with you? Because honestly I don't know." (I was kinda pissed at this point and began to cry) "All my life I've been taught that these feelings at the core of who I am are wrong and I don't know how to deal with this. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CHOOSE BETWEEN WHO I AM AND YOU?!"

That was the last intelligible thing I said. The rest of the time was spent crying like I haven't done in a while. The kind of tears flowing from my cold red face were warm as though they were pumping straight from my heart. I was literally at war with myself and was fighting a lonely, loosing battle. I composed myself and ended the conversation.
"I still love you and know that you love me no matter what happens. I gotta go."

I was still very angry, confused, bitter, and felt very isolated. I turned on my ipod and listened to Flyleaf for the rest of the drive. Not because I had a yearning for Lacey's raspy, cute voice but because I needed some mind numbingly loud music and that was the first thing I thought of. As I pulled onto campus I realized that if possible I desperately needed to talk to someone. Because I was without a phone (left in a friends car) I facebook messaged Iron and Wine. (she's a girl, a theologian:), and friend....not really a theologian but a very smart person who is really adept at listening and providing sound guidance at the drop of a hat) After about 10 minutes I met with her on the patio behind her dorm.

After small talk I laid things down. "I'm gay-I'm a christian, and those things are directly opposed to each other and i just spent the last thirty minutes crying and yelling at God" She began shaking her head immediately when I implied that homosexuality was wrong. She and I talked for about the next thirty minutes. We covered some basics about love, grace and who God created us to be. We talked about literalism and how nothing can be viewed through only one set of glasses. A paraphrased example she gave: If I read *name of Biblical anthology* through only the glasses of literalism, then I would think that *names a scholar* actually meant that I should eat babies. Her point was that the Bible is truth, but it must be read while taking into account the time, place and customs of the writers.

While I am not sure that the above makes any sense to anyone I came away from our talk with a profound feeling of peace. This is part of a reply message she sent me today:

"a Christian should find their identity in Christ; simultaneously they should realize that THEY are made in God's image, and that through grace, we are each ADOPTED into righteousness. we are adopted into a family with Christ in which Christ makes us his own. no questions -- that's how grace works. :)"

Though I hope I can resolve this issue like yesterday, I realize this will take time. I do know that I have taken a huge leap forward by accepting myself no matter what. I am also comforted to know that I have a great friends in I&W and my cousin, who I can talk to whenever I need guidance.

DONE! Now can I please meet this guy tomorrow for dinner?