you have no pulse. :)
As stated in my previous post, I have really felt like talking to someone about how I feel. So last night after dinner I called my fave. cousin in the world, and got her voice mail. Keep in mind that I am in a vulnerable place right now and even more at the time I placed the call. I got the stupidest message that made me think she had answered so I started talking, only to find out that it was in fact NOT her live voice but a recording. I was pretty pissed. So I left a message and called her back. She picked up (for real) and I started rambling.
I told her that I was pretty sure that I was gay and she responded "Really......Really?" All I could say was, "Yeah I know, I know" She then said "Wait are you joking because you're like a funny guy and joke allot?" (I wish) I laughed and told her that I was being legit. With the initial awkwardness out of the way we proceeded to talk for just over 43 minutes. We talked about many things but mostly she just listened. That is what I am most thankful for. She shared about some of her friends who had gone through similar things and dealt with them in various ways. Man, is she great!
One thing I found surprising was how it felt to say some stuff out loud. When "I think I'm gay" came out of my mouth I got kinda scarred. Outside of my internal dialogue the word gay freaked me out. I had said it so many times before, "that's gay" or "you're gay" or "He must be gay." However when used in reference to me (to be redundant) I felt uneasy. However at the same time a part of me felt great after letting it out. Like a part of ME had been acknowledged for the first time, and to another person.
What does all this mean? Good question! I have no freaking clue. However I do know that I now have someone to talk to. I also am more at peace and have lost some "upset stomach" type feelings. Is this who I am? While no one's sexuality defines them fully I think that this is the newest edition to me. Am I 100% sure that I'm gay? No, but if so then I'm more open to it today than I was before talking with her.
Now for a late night run and off to bed. Hopefully I won't get pneumonia. After all it's like 50 degrees outside! BRRRRRRR
-E
P.S. Huggs guy sent me a facebook message today that was about some music then he added:
P.S. Sweet bike
P.S.S Sweeter Face
P.S.S. Ugh
While he was totally doing the pseudo gay college guy thing, I just thought... If he only knew :)
2 comments:
Hey Ethan,
Well, the internet is interesting. It does seem to be the regular forum when coming out for a lot of guys to write a blog, but I think it is a great thing. I think a blog would have been helpful when I came out, but I've never been into them until recently. I also work on the edge of politics, and while I am out, I figure a blog would be a too much of a politically liability. So I don't have something you can read, but I will offer a few thoughts!
Basically you are having the same sort of emotions a lot of guys do and they are normal. I hid my sexuality for years (BTW I am 29 now, I came out as bi/gay when I was 25 and now I guess I am pretty much seen by friends as gay and I have had a boyfriend for the last three years) and it has been so much better being out than it ever was being in.
I hooked up with a friend back when I was in 7th or 8th grade (can't remember exactly). I pushed it out of my mind and went on to high school, I was a late bloomer anyway, so it was not until college I started to think a bit more about guys. I dated girls all through college and slept with plenty of them. Nonetheless I had boy crushes. In any event, fast forward a bit, I am living in London and I go off the deep and go to a gay club and it all goes down hill from there...or up rather!
I wanted to die. I hated my life. I was scared. How would I tell my parents. I was sick all the time. Again, a lot of what most guys probably go through.
It does help to have a friend. My friend Rebecca, whom I still call my 'angel' for making sure I did not jump infront of a tube train was a big help. Gotta love her. So I am glad your cousin seems to be a good outlet for you. This virtual community will help, but I think you gotta have some 'real' people to call and see from time to time. Don't hide in the web. I think a lot of guys who don't come out do that. It is ok, but in the end I think you create a virtual world that substitutes for a real one cause you are too afraid of what will happen. That said, I really respect everyone's right to come out if and when they want.
As for being a Christian, well, that can be tough. I was raised in a very Catholic family. My parents are quite liberal and took the gay thing sorta ok. They are better now, but I know they keep hoping I meet a girl...some days I hope too. I won't lie to you. I still think...I must be bi....but probably not. I think I so desperately want to fit the impression that everyone has of me as a young, successful guy that must have some smart, sexy girl back home. If they only knew. Of course, a lot of Christians that like you at first sight, will throw you in front of a bus when they find out you are gay...or at least that is how I see it. Pretty bad impression I know, but they don't do themselves any favours.
In any event, I don't think you need to give up your faith. Although I don't do church weekly anymore I still consider myself a Christian and a Catholic. I've come around more to the idea that maybe I should fight more for inclusivity rather than just dumping religion. The thing about Christianity is that it has justified a lot of bad things...subordinate position of women, subordinate position of children resulting in child labour, and perhaps worse of all slavery. You know the Bible explicity condones slavery? Several times. Yet today you'd be hard pressed to find a Christian church not opposed to slavery. We regard it as wrong, so clearly faith can change.
Ok, this was a bit long. Sorry. But good luck and I look forward to popping in to read about your goings on!
Connecticut Yankee
Thanks for the comment man.
YEAH someone read one of my blogs! :D
-Ethan
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