Warning: Subject matter, verb tense, and clarity could change at any moment.
I'll begin with Friday night. As mentioned in a previous post I met up with J in Auburn on Friday and accompanied her to a "ho-down." Corny - I know - but I ended up having a pretty good time. There were hay bails, cowboys [not the rugged, chap wearing ones :(] and a camp stew type dinner that wasn't all that bad. The highlight of the evening came when we all paired up for square dancing. With J by my side I began to wade through the oh-so awkward waters. There was a caller *swing yer partner round and round* who sang to old records that barked at us through '70s era speakers. I was reminded as we swapped partners and whorred outselves around the dance floor how little I had to say to the ladies that I danced with. Just an observation really, only to say that I spent more time eying the boys than exchanging "hi how are ya's" with the girls. Because after all, hooking up with a random stranger was the goal of the evening.....wasn't it?
There was one small highlight during the evening. I had excused myslelf from the endless fun of the dance floor and was sitting with some acquantinces, talking about nothing. I noticed a guy (who's seat I had taken) comming my way presumably to gather his belongings. ( Which turned out to be awater bottle.....really he came over to get a bottle???) I raised my knees and put my feet in the chair so he coul reach his things. He leaned over and excused himself- "I think this one is mine?" As he stood upright (me still staring at him) he flashed a killer smile at me and I almost fell off my seat. He was tall wearing jeans and a white and blue striped long sleved dress shirt. His hair was red and as noted was sporting a great set of pearly whites.
There was one small highlight during the evening. I had excused myslelf from the endless fun of the dance floor and was sitting with some acquantinces, talking about nothing. I noticed a guy (who's seat I had taken) comming my way presumably to gather his belongings. ( Which turned out to be awater bottle.....really he came over to get a bottle???) I raised my knees and put my feet in the chair so he coul reach his things. He leaned over and excused himself- "I think this one is mine?" As he stood upright (me still staring at him) he flashed a killer smile at me and I almost fell off my seat. He was tall wearing jeans and a white and blue striped long sleved dress shirt. His hair was red and as noted was sporting a great set of pearly whites.
So on the cuteness front, the night wasn't a total loss :)
After the ho down, a hookah bar and some tasty chicken fingers (HA!) I said bye to J and left for home.
Sunday was fairly uneventful. I haven't felt like church in a while and this Sunday was no different. After lunch I got things together for a 2:45 call time before my choral concert. It was our combined fall show and things went fairly well. There is something about good choral music that makes one feel that all is right with the world.
Before dinner I got a phone call from a friend I knew during high school. "Adam" and I hadn't talked much and given the fact that after we graduated he stayed in town, I haven't seen him but on a few weekends when I have been home. He had heard from a friend (wouldn't say who >:( that I was gay or as he put it "Our situations are similar" Frankly I wasn't surprised. From the stereotypical things like his mannerisms and voice - to knowing that he set off people's gaydar quite often I had always thought he played for the "other team."(Of which I am a member- however still awaiting my membership card, lol) We exchanged small talk and then after a while dove into the subject matter.
He noted that he had good and bad days and went back and forth. I'm not sure if he meant from good to bad/ gay to straight or what. For most of the conversation he could have been reading from my journal or conversations I'd had with friends. He's in difficult place, one that I have recently been through. After talking for a while I tried to give him snippets of advice.
After the ho down, a hookah bar and some tasty chicken fingers (HA!) I said bye to J and left for home.
Saturday began with a late brunch. I purposefully got to the caf. shortly before it closed because honestly I felt and looked like junk after having gotten in at 4am. from an almost 2 hour drive. BLEH! So expecting no one I knew to be there, who did I see upon entering but Hugs and his girlfriend. I gave them a passing smile as I made a beeline for nurishment. (kind of a joke given the selection of food that Sodexho provides) I sat far from the lovely couple, who were finishing up their food. I looked up from my plate a few minutes later to see him heading my way, presumably to say 'hi how are ya' before they left. But no. What does he do? As I stick my hand out to shake his he leans over and wraps me in a "i'm standing you're still sitting" type hug.
SRLSY?!
I mean I'm not complaining in the least but on some levels it's torture. I reached around and gave him a half embrace and after a few seconds and a coy smile he parted. Again I say SERIOUSLY PEOPLE! Does he read this blog?......... I guess my main 'problem' is that he's not anywhere near gay and he's dating a girl as proof. My newly akwnoleged hormones just can't handle this tease. It's like I'm a high school teen who just discovered the opposite sex (or same, in my case) and doesn't know what to do with himself. And every time he makes a joking advance or puts his arms around me I am reminded of all that is pent up with in me and the fact that he is un-dateable. Garrrr.........................Sunday was fairly uneventful. I haven't felt like church in a while and this Sunday was no different. After lunch I got things together for a 2:45 call time before my choral concert. It was our combined fall show and things went fairly well. There is something about good choral music that makes one feel that all is right with the world.
Before dinner I got a phone call from a friend I knew during high school. "Adam" and I hadn't talked much and given the fact that after we graduated he stayed in town, I haven't seen him but on a few weekends when I have been home. He had heard from a friend (wouldn't say who >:( that I was gay or as he put it "Our situations are similar" Frankly I wasn't surprised. From the stereotypical things like his mannerisms and voice - to knowing that he set off people's gaydar quite often I had always thought he played for the "other team."(Of which I am a member- however still awaiting my membership card, lol) We exchanged small talk and then after a while dove into the subject matter.
He noted that he had good and bad days and went back and forth. I'm not sure if he meant from good to bad/ gay to straight or what. For most of the conversation he could have been reading from my journal or conversations I'd had with friends. He's in difficult place, one that I have recently been through. After talking for a while I tried to give him snippets of advice.
"The main thing I would say is that dealing with it (sexuality) now rather than later is the
best option. In the long run your feelings and what you know
to be true will surface and at that time it might have morphed into something
that you won't be able to control."
best option. In the long run your feelings and what you know
to be true will surface and at that time it might have morphed into something
that you won't be able to control."
He noted the sense of relief he felt when he was honest with a few people. He said that it felt good and "I can be myself around them." While I'm not sure what 'being honest' with people means I took it to mean he has come out to them as gay. Honestly I'm not sure if he would categorize himself at the moment. He is aware of his attraction to men. Also he has dated girls in the past, mainly to deal with an attraction to guys that he didn't want to address. But from talking to him last night and the honesty he spoke with.........I have a new gay friend. Whether he will choose to be true to himself, regardless of the family or career implications, is not for me to say or decide.
When I first spoke with Iron and Wine about the turmoil I was going through at the time, she didn't nudge me one way or the other. She has always thought/known I was gay but noted that it wasn't her place to try and out me or harass me about what she thought. She was just a friend. I tried and will continue to be a friend to Adam because that's what I have needed and I'm pretty sure what he needs too. We ended the conversation with some lingering, "yeah......." and "well........" and finally said good night.
I enjoyed talking with him mainly because he's another guy. The other friends I have come out to and talked with are all females. Don't get me wrong, they have been a great help but when the conversation moves to the feelings side...........they just can't relate and apathy only goes so far. Being able to speak with someone and have them say "me too" or "I don't get boobs either!" has been great. Finally I was able to speak with a real live person who gets me.....at least the gay part of me :)
Well that's all for now.
Much love,
~`E
When I first spoke with Iron and Wine about the turmoil I was going through at the time, she didn't nudge me one way or the other. She has always thought/known I was gay but noted that it wasn't her place to try and out me or harass me about what she thought. She was just a friend. I tried and will continue to be a friend to Adam because that's what I have needed and I'm pretty sure what he needs too. We ended the conversation with some lingering, "yeah......." and "well........" and finally said good night.
I enjoyed talking with him mainly because he's another guy. The other friends I have come out to and talked with are all females. Don't get me wrong, they have been a great help but when the conversation moves to the feelings side...........they just can't relate and apathy only goes so far. Being able to speak with someone and have them say "me too" or "I don't get boobs either!" has been great. Finally I was able to speak with a real live person who gets me.....at least the gay part of me :)
Well that's all for now.
Much love,
~`E
1 comment:
That is Great!!!! I was wondering when you were going to talk to a man about it. I knew that would help you to have someone really understand to a better degree what you are going through....love ya!
~EVE~
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