SMILE!

If he doesn't make you smile then
you have no pulse. :)


As stated in my previous post, I have really felt like talking to someone about how I feel. So last night after dinner I called my fave. cousin in the world, and got her voice mail. Keep in mind that I am in a vulnerable place right now and even more at the time I placed the call. I got the stupidest message that made me think she had answered so I started talking, only to find out that it was in fact NOT her live voice but a recording. I was pretty pissed. So I left a message and called her back. She picked up (for real) and I started rambling.

I told her that I was pretty sure that I was gay and she responded "Really......Really?" All I could say was, "Yeah I know, I know" She then said "Wait are you joking because you're like a funny guy and joke allot?" (I wish) I laughed and told her that I was being legit. With the initial awkwardness out of the way we proceeded to talk for just over 43 minutes. We talked about many things but mostly she just listened. That is what I am most thankful for. She shared about some of her friends who had gone through similar things and dealt with them in various ways. Man, is she great!

One thing I found surprising was how it felt to say some stuff out loud. When "I think I'm gay" came out of my mouth I got kinda scarred. Outside of my internal dialogue the word gay freaked me out. I had said it so many times before, "that's gay" or "you're gay" or "He must be gay." However when used in reference to me (to be redundant) I felt uneasy. However at the same time a part of me felt great after letting it out. Like a part of ME had been acknowledged for the first time, and to another person.

What does all this mean? Good question! I have no freaking clue. However I do know that I now have someone to talk to. I also am more at peace and have lost some "upset stomach" type feelings. Is this who I am? While no one's sexuality defines them fully I think that this is the newest edition to me. Am I 100% sure that I'm gay? No, but if so then I'm more open to it today than I was before talking with her.

Now for a late night run and off to bed. Hopefully I won't get pneumonia. After all it's like 50 degrees outside! BRRRRRRR
-E
P.S. Huggs guy sent me a facebook message today that was about some music then he added:
P.S. Sweet bike
P.S.S Sweeter Face
P.S.S. Ugh
While he was totally doing the pseudo gay college guy thing, I just thought... If he only knew :)

Someone to talk to

To wake up to that in the morning?
A guy can wish can't he?


Another Day
Lately, since coming to the conclusion that I'm most likely bi or gay (still hard to say...) I have felt a longing to tell someone. Even though I am not 100% about things I have had urges while talking to friends to blurt out "I LIKE GUYS" or "I WANNA STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND" Just as ice breakers of course. Although this blog will be helpful, speaking with a real live person is so much more cathartic and helpful. One of my cousins would be someone I think I can talk to. She is a gorgeous lady a few months younger than me. She lives in NC and I'm pretty sure she wouldn't freak if I talked to her about what I'm feeling.

I have read other blogs about people struggling with being gay and closeted. Those people have usually come out to a close friend even if that's just to have someone to talk to. This "thing" is pretty big and I think if I keep it to myself any longer I am gonna freak.

Something else I haven't mentioned yet is the fact that I'm a follower of Christ- a Christian.
Talk about another wrench in things. I have heard of gay Christians before, usually in the context of " he used to be gay, and now he's an 'ex gay'" I mean really people. If this is the way I am then....this is who I am. One of the worst things one can do is tell someone that the most sensitive and personal things about them is "in their head" or " just a sinful behavior." I will confess that I used to be one of those people.

I recently read one of my old journal postings which reads: "On a more serious note the stupid notion that I might (choose to) be gay is out of the question and not possible. First of all it is a choice and a sin. Secondly it is gross. Thirdly the only reason I ever entertained the idea is because I was looking for love and thought I might find it there...that is all."

Wow. I don't think that way any longer and feel sorry for the guy who wrote that. He was in a tough place and pretty scared. I mean to write a self assuring entry such as that only underscores what kind of pain I had and was pushing deeper and deeper inside.

Well that's about it for now. I think I'll sign off now and call that cousin of mine. Hopefully all will go well.
-E

P.S. I have been listening to the new Adele CD and let me tell you. HOLY CRAP IS SHE AMAZING! Her voice is jazzy and fresh with great lyrics to back it all up. You should really go youtube or myspace her right now! :)

Step one:I like men

Well here goes.

The trend seems to be clear: wondering about your sexuality? Start a blog to work out all your frustrations, concerns, and anything else going on in your life. I have another personal blog but thought for what I wanted to say a new blog would be best.
I have spent the past few days/week exploring some suppressed feelings that I've had since about the 7th grade. I re opened the file labeled "gay/curious?" a few weeks ago while watching a documentary with friends. We watched “For the Bible Tells Me So" during documentary Tuesdays at the Wesley (a Methodist student center on campus).
It chronicled the lives of two men and two women and their homosexuality. They all come from families with strong Christian backgrounds and most were children of clergy. After watching that I remembered thinking absently "So I can be gay now!?" Though the question of "gay or straight" has been on my mind for a long time I had previously rationalized that I was straight and any attraction to guys was, a phase I guess. Now I began to think about how I actually felt. Even as I type this I am realizing what I am saying and kinda freaking myself out.
So some analysis on the question of my sexuality as brought back to light by the afore mentioned documentary.

• I have never had a serious relationship with a girl. Heck the only time I've been close enough and kissed a girl was a stage kiss my senior year of high school during a play. Side note, I hated her for being a diva and trying to direct me on stage. Therefore the kiss was gross through her mountains of lip-gloss and dry lips. I casually "dated" a girl from another high school my senior year but never made any kind of move.

• **EDITED**

• I am currently crushing on a friend of mine. SHE and I have known each other since we were young and I have only recently thought about making a move on her. Come to find out, like yesterday she started dating this guy. Let me just say, while I'm not near as hot or as fit as say....Michel Phelps, I am WAY hotter that the douche looking guy she is with now. So while that is kind of a downer for me I wonder if I am "bi curious" or full on gay?

• The female body. I don't get it. Maybe because I haven't hooked up with a girl before or maybe it speaks to my attraction to guys but ladies bodies are far from my mind. ***Edited***. Like really, ***Edited***......just grossness. ***Edited***, I just am not all that interested.

• On the other hand...MEN. The thought however ***Edited***. I find that the male body when even in decent condition is 10X more appealing. Maybe it is the perceived "strong man" thing or that I can identify with it because I'm a guy. But when one of my guy friends (who is straight) gives me a hug hello, I feel all warm inside like that's how things are supposed to be. Side note: he's a looker and usually does a "sneak attack" hug so I don't see it coming and.....well who doesn't like a hug :)

So those are some points and describe, fairly well where I'm at right now. I know that I'm at least bisexual and feel that bisexuality is really just a cop out to saying that one is gay. I hope that this blog will help flesh things out and I can get my head on straight.

Well time for bed and some dreams........................ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
-E
Just some eye candy from the net.