"We neet to have a chat"

My dad and I had a conversation the other morning.
Many things came out of our talk, many things I did no know before. Knowledge about my parents, and my family have changed my outlook on things. Learning that for most of my Christmas vacation “up north” my mother’s side of the family talked about this blog to and around my parents. While I am not sure how they found it I am honestly not surprised. I haven’t been as cautious with my computer as I should have been. It is also used at sort of a family computer these days after the desktop crashed. So however it came to be known about is of no consequence. Main point: I’m out to people that I had no desire to tell any time soon. This sucks for my parents mostly. They aren’t ready, and are still in a fragile state.

My dad brought his own fragility to light in our conversation. He has not been a distant father, the kind portrayed on film or in literature. However there has always been a chasm, or rather a space between us for which I am partly to blame. I just didn’t want to be that close I guess, some distance felt good…being buddy buddy 24/7 seemed foreign and forced. The climax of our conversation came abruptly and I am still shaken by it.
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I watched a 40+yr old man break right before my eyes.
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I don’t recall anything like it in all the time I have known him. I’m not sure if I really need to write this…

He has always put family first. When I say first I mean above all else, and at all costs. His house is a castle and those in it are defended to the death. My dad has tried to fill his time with other things. Be it $4000+ worth of golfing equipment for “getting away”, boats, and hunting trips all to try and have other things to do rather than define himself by his wife and children. He has always come back to us, not in a domineering way but just being at home rather than “out”. For better or worse that is what he has done. I fear these days, it may be for worse.

Having a gay son is something he doesn't understand, for many reasons views this "situation" as a sort of threat to his family. It is almost like “gay” is an issue that has taken me over and could be harmful to his family. I believe this is the brunt of his conflict.
I am gay and his son while at the same time part of a family he must protect. Faced with the choice of protecting me from homosexuality or preventing me from his family, my father’s mind heaves to an abrupt stop. He simply does not know what to do. That is the man who burst into tears for but a brief moment.
Paraphrased in short:

If you choose this life, choose to be this way[gay] then as much as that hurts me, you will not be allowed here - I won’t let my family go through that

I have written off the above statement and that part of our conversation as temporary insanity. Mostly because if I let it sink in or take any kind of root in my mind, it will take me back a few months. I won’t go there again. I also do not think this is a stopping point for him, I can only hope that he will come to some better conclusion in time. Hope.

We spoke about a few other things that are “family business” and have allowed me to know a part of my dad that few people are ever privy to.

The most heartbreaking thing that has come of our conversation deals with this summer. I had planned on still working with a Christian organization and after a recent conversation with B***** I still held that it wold be possible. After hearing about the extent my blog has been made public and the real risk of “leaks” combine with the sheer number of people I have trusted, some of them foolishly, I just do not want to take the risk. Dealing with that nightmare situation is not how I want to spend my summer, even if the risk factor is as low as it is.

That’s all for now. Elaboration about these topics may come in the next few days but for now I would rather write about more productive and less weighty things….like biggest loser and other pop culture nonsense.
:)

-E